Funny Side of Life

[4suchatimeasthis]

The sad thing is, this lady is dead serious.....

[Sniper-T]

And not alone. You hear about someone like this every couple years or so.

[Echo2]

[izzyscout21]

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.

'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'
_________________________

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
_________________________

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
_________________________

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'
_________________________

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
_________________________

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
_________________________

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
_________________________

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
_________________________

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
_________________________

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
_________________________

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'

She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[Metrocruiser]

I gave my Mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

A Christmas gift...



The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.



When she asked me why, I replied,



"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"



And that's how the fight started.....



________________________________



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

We were in bed.



I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'



'No,' she answered. I then said,



'Is that your final answer?'



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And that's when the fight started...



________________________________



I took my wife to a restaurant.



The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.



"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"



"Nah, she can order for herself."



And that's when the fight started.....



_______________________________



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.



I asked her, "Do you know him?"



"Yes", she sighed,



"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

Right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

Hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

Celebrating that long?"



And then the fight started...



________________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

To me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

Something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

Making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

Thought of a clever way to make her point.



When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

The house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the

Grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."



The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



______________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.



She asked, "What's on TV?"



I said, "Dust."



And then the fight started...



________________________________



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

Lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

Boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

Downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the

Garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

Would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

Anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

Terrible."



My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

Stupid husband is out fishing in that?"



And that's how the fight started...



_______________________________



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

Anniversary.



She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

About 3 seconds."



I bought her a bathroom scale.



And then the fight started......



______________________________



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

For Social Security.



The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

Verify my age.



I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

To go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.



So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.



She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

Me and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

The Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

Your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'



And then the fight started...



________________________________



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.



She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,



"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'



I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."



And then the fight started........



________________________________



I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!



The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!



He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'



So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'



That's how the fight started.

[Echo2]

http://www.youtube.com/v/1eXS0o6r-Wk...ed%26version=3

only way to take those pics....

[Metrocruiser]

That was pretty awesome. I would have pissed myself.


OK back to the jokes.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

[4suchatimeasthis]

[Sniper-T]

So are you a woman or a girl, 4such?

[4suchatimeasthis]

^^^For all you know, Sniper, I could be a man!