So My Grandmother Passed Away Yesterday.

[Stormfeather]

So, on my way to florida right now, hope to be there in another 6-7 hours. This drive is dumb stupid ridiculous.

Before you guys start offering all the condolences, please read this first. heres the background on her. She adopted me back when I was 5-6 years old. I can honestly say, thats probably the only good thing she ever did for me. Im trying and trying to find a way to be sympathetic about her passing, but for some reason, I cant, Does that make me a bad person? She wasnt a nice person, she wasnt friendly, she wasnt "grandmotherly" in any way shape or form. She disowned my father, and myself, and our other adopted brother and left everything to this gay kid who lives down the street from her. Its not that any of that even really bothers me, because it doesnt so much, I lost out on my grandfathers shotgun, and my silver coin collection I had built up as a kid, but Im ok with that. The part im upset about, is she went and did a reverse mortgage on her house, so now her house is going to the bank, she had a couple of pawn tickets on her car so it will get repossessed here at some point. Its old, so that doesnt matter. But she basically spent every single penny she had and sold off everything of value in the entire family. So all of the heirlooms are gone, all the family history is gone, and the kid who she left everything too, doesnt have clue one about what to do. He is having a problem with talking to the funeral home and doesnt want to, so now theres delays in getting the final arrangements taken care of, and he basically doesnt know what to do. Out of all of this, im more upset over the fact that all of my pictures of me as a kid, are all gone. I dont have a single picture of me as a kid or of me growing up. She had them all. I now have no way of showing my kids what I looked like when I was kid, and im kind of really bummed out about that.
Before you all think im some sort of jackwad who turns his back on his family, this woman basically disowned us, and would not for any reason let us come take care of her or do anything for her. Ive tried and tried many times to touch base with her and reconnect, and Ive always been rebuffed.
Im really of a mind to turn this truck around and head back home and out her memory in the rearview mirror. Am I a bad person for thinking this way?

[ravensgrove]

No. You are a human being, for feeling that way.

Now....a small note on personal decency. We do what is right, not because others accept it, or because God is watching, or for any inheritance, et all. We do what is right, because our own moral character has shown through, as a light, in diversity. That light, calls us...drags us...to do what is right...always. Regardless of how deeply we are wronged.

I have a feeling that were you to not go....it would haunt YOU. And that is what is important here, your OWN integrity. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself my friend.

And your grandmother...was no demon, nor no saint. Just a human being as well, and people...we make mistakes, we transgress, we hurt those closest to us for all the most ridiculous reasons.

God Bless You and God's speed on Your drive.

Sabrina

[ladyhk13]

I am sorry that I would not have the same feelings as you Ravensgrove. Should this have happened to me I would have to think, why would I go? Do you love this woman? If yes, then I suppose you would have to in order to have closure. If you have nothing but disdain and bad memories for her then why are you going? You are not in the Will, therefore you have no legal power to do anything, you are not on the mortgage so oonce again you have no legal power to do anything.
I guess I am different than most people because I am of the opinion that if I (or the other person) had no use for each other in life then we have no use for each other in death. It's done and over. If you hated me while you were alive or I hated you then why in the hell would I want to go and make believe I gave a shit at your funeral? You have nothing there of personal value to pick up. Save your gas and time and go home.

[izzyscout21]

So, on my way to florida right now, hope to be there in another 6-7 hours. This drive is dumb stupid ridiculous.

Before you guys start offering all the condolences, please read this first. heres the background on her. She adopted me back when I was 5-6 years old. I can honestly say, thats probably the only good thing she ever did for me. Im trying and trying to find a way to be sympathetic about her passing, but for some reason, I cant, Does that make me a bad person? She wasnt a nice person, she wasnt friendly, she wasnt "grandmotherly" in any way shape or form. She disowned my father, and myself, and our other adopted brother and left everything to this gay kid who lives down the street from her. Its not that any of that even really bothers me, because it doesnt so much, I lost out on my grandfathers shotgun, and my silver coin collection I had built up as a kid, but Im ok with that. The part im upset about, is she went and did a reverse mortgage on her house, so now her house is going to the bank, she had a couple of pawn tickets on her car so it will get repossessed here at some point. Its old, so that doesnt matter. But she basically spent every single penny she had and sold off everything of value in the entire family. So all of the heirlooms are gone, all the family history is gone, and the kid who she left everything too, doesnt have clue one about what to do. He is having a problem with talking to the funeral home and doesnt want to, so now theres delays in getting the final arrangements taken care of, and he basically doesnt know what to do. Out of all of this, im more upset over the fact that all of my pictures of me as a kid, are all gone. I dont have a single picture of me as a kid or of me growing up. She had them all. I now have no way of showing my kids what I looked like when I was kid, and im kind of really bummed out about that.
Before you all think im some sort of jackwad who turns his back on his family, this woman basically disowned us, and would not for any reason let us come take care of her or do anything for her. Ive tried and tried many times to touch base with her and reconnect, and Ive always been rebuffed.
Im really of a mind to turn this truck around and head back home and out her memory in the rearview mirror. Am I a bad person for thinking this way?


sounds really similar to my maternal egg donor. I totally know how you're feeling right now.

[Evolver]

I would fight for what you have a vested interest in. Kinda like a little pay back for the BS that you had to deal with. Your on the road already for a reason, you just might be following your gut instincts so just keep your head down and keep a going. {Just looked at the time of your post... You might be there/here already}.

What part of the state did your Grandma live in? If your passing through the east side of the state we could meet up for coffee. :)

[eagle326]

Stormfeather ; You are going there for a reason that as of yet you don't understand. You have many different emotions swirling around inside your mind. Sometimes doing things like this lets you clear up any doubts or feelings you have towards her.
If you do decide to go all the way there it might be a complete closure for you. On the other hand if you are sure that there is no connection what so ever and can go thru life with a clear mind and heart then you should go back home.

This may sound stupid to some people but in my world ; Blood does not make for a family. In my pinion you should make the decision on what's best for you. You are still alive and have to do what's best for your peace of mind . She had her chance and rebuffed you when you tried to re-connect. So it's not as if you didn't try.

In my family I've dis-owned 2 siblings and have nothing to do with them. I will not lose sleep or shed a tear when they pass. We had conversations and they still wanted to play games trying to wreak havoc.

I'm sure you'll do what's best for you. Good Luck.

[The Stig]

Stormy,

I can relate. I am estranged from my parents and have often wondered "will I go to the funeral when the time comes". Somedays I think I might....other days its not only no, it's FUCK NO.

They (mostly my mother, but father too) have abandoned her parents both in their late 80's and one dying of Alzheimer and their grandaugther (my girl) over something so earth shatteringly important as smoking. That's just the surface issue but it sums up the stupidity of the situation.

I can't tell you to drive on or flip a bitch and go back to the snow. You might consider pouring your energy into mentoring this kid who's suddenly had a funeral and estate dumped in his lap. Maybe this kid needs someone to give him a little Man-The-Fuck-Up help. I don't know his situation but maybe you can help impact his life in a positive way somehow by walking with him through the process and showing him what a man does when faced with adversity.

But ultimately you are totally a human being for having the thoughts/feelings you are having. Whether you go to the funeral, or go to the graveyard later on to pay your respects in private there seems to be something driving you to make the trip. Listen to whatever that is.

[eagle326]

Stormy,

I can relate. I am estranged from my parents and have often wondered "will I go to the funeral when the time comes". Somedays I think I might....other days its not only no, it's FUCK NO.

They (mostly my mother, but father too) have abandoned her parents both in their late 80's and one dying of Alzheimer and their grandaugther (my girl) over something so earth shatteringly important as smoking. That's just the surface issue but it sums up the stupidity of the situation.

I can't tell you to drive on or flip a bitch and go back to the snow. You might consider pouring your energy into mentoring this kid who's suddenly had a funeral and estate dumped in his lap. Maybe this kid needs someone to give him a little Man-The-Fuck-Up help. I don't know his situation but maybe you can help impact his life in a positive way somehow by walking with him through the process and showing him what a man does when faced with adversity.

But ultimately you are totally a human being for having the thoughts/feelings you are having. Whether you go to the funeral, or go to the graveyard later on to pay your respects in private there seems to be something driving you to make the trip. Listen to whatever that is.


Very well put Stig. You wrote some thoughts I didn't think of.

[msomnipotent]

There are no pictures of my grandfather or any of my father's side of the family because my grandparents divorced and my father disowned his father. I really wish I knew what he looked like because I do not resemble anyone on my mother's side of the family. Maybe you can ask other family members or childhood friends if you are still in contact with any of them for any pictures they might have of you.

I don't really have anything to add to what others have said already. I would feel the same way you do. But I have noticed that the overwhelming majority of regrets I have are for things I didn't do. You probably won't look back on this 20 years from now and wish you didn't go, but you might regret not going.

[Sniper-T]

This stirred up a hornets nest of bad memories... I'll respond further once I think through them, and control my emotions.

In the meantime, you are doing the 'right; thing, the 'honourable' thing and the ' manly' thing (no offence ladies) of sucking it up and doing what needs to be done. kudos!

If the kid is that lost, take him under your wing, guide him through the process that needs to be followed, help him with the details.

You are not there for her... she's dead and couldn't care one way or another... you are going for family and friends. That is what a funeral is all about. finding closure, finding acceptance, and finding absolution. It sounds like "although you don't care..." you do, a lot in fact! Use this opportunity to reconnect with old friends and family, laugh and cry together, say your good byes and put this dark element of your life behind you. If you cannot, or will not, you will be angry/resentful about it, and her, for the rest of your life.

Go to the funeral home... alone... ask to see her, and ask to be left alone. talk to her, tell her how hurtful she was, yell, scream, cry. get it out! You will become The better person for it.

Do that early in this misadventure, so you may carry this through objectively, and compassionately, for those that do need to see those traits from you.

Good luck, my friend. And I do offer my condolences, but not for your loss right now... for your loss a long time ago!

be strong!

T.

[Stormfeather]

Well, after some soul searching and a few miles, Im sitting at home now, eating dinner, feeding Aidan his baby burger, and watching Orion & Ciara play in front of the tv.

I want to thank each and every one of you who reminded me that while there are people who are born within the same bloodlines as each other, that does not necessarily make them family. It took a lot to tell myself that for the most part, you folks were all correct. While Grandma did do me the favor of adopting me when my father gave me up, thats about all she did. So after a few phone calls, my sister informed me that the recipient of her will has opened the house to my sister and my dad, and he wants nothing to do with it. So my sister is handling the funeral arrangements, as well as the disposal of the household. Any family mementos will still be kept in the family, and I can rest easy knowing any pictures of myself as a child, will be able to be shared with my children as they get older and I can lay to rest all the pissed off angry feelings that have been biting me in the ass for so many years.

Thank each and every one of you who offered your opinions, each and every one of them I took to heart honestly, and used it to weigh the pro's & con's of this trip. It was ultimately Sniper-T with his post that echoed what others before him said that gave me the clarity I needed and cemented my decision. In a time where Im thinking the "right thing to do" was to go down there and show my respects, I also learned that the person whos funeral I was driving down to, had been dead to me for many years and I already said my goodbyes many years earlier. So, I turned around, and now I am back home where I belong, with my family, and the vow that my children will never have to go thru what i did.
Once again, thank each and every one of you, I value your opinions, and this time, I value them more because in my time of need, I once again find, true friends and family are always there when you need them.

With Deepest Respect,

William Michael-Joseph Hamilton-Howlingwolf II aka "Stormfeather"


As a side note, pretty much everything of sentimental value, from my coin collection, to my grandfathers shotgun, are all gone, apparently they have been gone for years and recovering them is pretty much a lost cause. My sister found the pawn receipts for the shotgun and the coin collection. Its nice to know grandma got $3500.00 for $3000 of pre-64 silver dollars. Not to mention a Engraved Colt 12 Gauge Shotgun, that I know has to be worth easily $4-5k that she got $350.00 for. So while those mementos are gone, the things that really mattered to me, that is, the pictures, have all been recovered.

[mitunnelrat]

I agree with the sentiments to now, and can't add anything to what anyone else said, but it sounds like everything has worked out well in the end. Kudos on turning around without regret, and enjoy the time you've regained with those close to your heart.

[Sniper-T]

To this day, when I visit my mom's grave... I still cover my fathers with my hand. I am glad you are finding closure, but be sure that what you are finding is true.

Again, Given time, I could write pages here... but know, that no matter what, ultimately, you only have to be at peace with yourself. Everyone and everything that you do for the rest of your life will be dependant on your actions here. stop. think. and with a deep breath, let your issues go. seriously dude. :)

sigh!

[eagle326]

Stormfeather you will find that as your life progresses that the most important people and things are right in front of you everyday. Your wife and children are what you live and die for and will keep you close knit thru trials and tribulations if you work as a team.

As for the coins and gun ; While they would've been nice to have they are material objects and they don't make or break you as a person. Just from the little bit I know of you on here I have every confidence that you made the right decision based upon your true feelings from your heart and soul.
May you go forth with your head held high and prosper from this lesson in life. Good luck my brother and God Speed.

P.S.
Sniper T was right on with his post.

[Grumpy Old Man]

Yahweh bless you and yours Storm. My experience is that prayer calms the stormiest of waters.

[bacpacker]

Stormy I have been waiting to respond to this post because I was just at such a loss of words. I still don't know where to begin. Just know that my prayers are with you and your family. I trust you to know you made the right decision in all this. As Eagle said, spend this time with your family, love them, and teach them, and make sure they never have to make the decision you had to.
God Bless!

[Gunfixr]

Well, haven't been here much in the past few days, so just seeing this, a bit late.
I will not pretend to understand, as my parents an grandparents did not act this way. However, that is not to say that there is no dysfunctional-ness (did I just invent a word?) in our, or my wife's family.
That said, such bad family practices have a way of moving on from generation to generation. Seems to me that you have seen this wrong, and decided not to continue it with your own family.
You cannot change what those before you did. You are only human, and your feelings are that of any human who has any semblance of normalcy.
But for the loss of the material things, the memories to share with your family was saved.

[Stormfeather]

Well, haven't been here much in the past few days, so just seeing this, a bit late.
I will not pretend to understand, as my parents an grandparents did not act this way. However, that is not to say that there is no dysfunctional-ness (did I just invent a word?) in our, or my wife's family.
That said, such bad family practices have a way of moving on from generation to generation. Seems to me that you have seen this wrong, and decided not to continue it with your own family.
You cannot change what those before you did. You are only human, and your feelings are that of any human who has any semblance of normalcy.
But for the loss of the material things, the memories to share with your family was saved.

Its not so much the loss of material things, its the memories that went into those material items that made the memories for me. Sitting around every evening with my Grandfather sorting thru coins as a young child made for a great bonding experience. I did this every evening, every day of the week minus Sundays, for as long as I can remember, for as far back as I can remember. My family owned a small bait and tackle store and got lots of business back in the day. So this was just something we did, it made for many great memories. Im just sad that the fruits of that labor so many years ago will never be reaped.

[Gunfixr]

Well, that explains a lot, and makes sense.

[Stormfeather]

Well, it seems that death actually does come in 3's. My best friend back in Ohio, his mother passed away Sunday evening, and come to find out, another friends cousin committed suicide yesterday evening. Man, to say this has been a emotionally draining week would be a understatement. Wish I could actually get the time off to go to Ohio for the funeral, but not going to happen. :(

[Sniper-T]

Well... hopefully it will end at the three for you, and sorry for your losses

[izzyscout21]

STormy,

My condolences. Let me know If you need anything.

[bacpacker]

Stormy you are in my prayers. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you other than that. Be well!