Funny Side of Life

[bacpacker]

The nails are in place Eagle. Come on down.

Sorry about the TV though, mine is less than half that size. Hell that big one would even fit in my house.

[eagle326]

The nails are in place Eagle. Come on down.

Sorry about the TV though, mine is less than half that size. Hell that big one would even fit in my house.

No problem B.P. ; Between you and me we can make a video room for it. I'll be sure to bring all my construction tools along. Only problem we have are the wives. Do you have a B.O.L. in case we have to hide out?

But in total reality if I could spend that kind of money it sure as hell wouldn't be on a T.V.

[bacpacker]

If the wifes get all worked up, we can go to the basement and reload some ammo. That or head out to the chicken coop. :)

Yeah there is no way I'd blow 10 grand on a TV. I wouldn't go $1000 for one.

[Sniper-T]

BEING A FARMER IS TOUGH!

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.



He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman

dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,

"Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked," are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn,

the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn,
and now I think I'm gonna get fu**ed out of my peaches.

[Sniper-T]

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied,“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”

[Echo2]

http://i.minus.com/iV6KzLWfC1tTm.gif

[Echo2]

Did you guys hear Lincoln is doing well in theaters.....

Historically this isn't the case.

[Sniper-T]

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again,

"Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Taz Baby]

How mini wheat's are made. (Caution::: Will wet pants if not careful)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFkdsPKARgE

[Sniper-T]

My wife hosted a dinner party for Family, far and wide, and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well......

All through dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across
from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in
place but, nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went
quiet for her response.
My little niece said: "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

[4suchatimeasthis]

The sad thing is, this lady is dead serious.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8

[Sniper-T]

And not alone. You hear about someone like this every couple years or so. :rolleyes:

[Echo2]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=xFLzq7eTV-4

[izzyscout21]

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.

'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'
_________________________

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
_________________________

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
_________________________

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'
_________________________

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
_________________________

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
_________________________

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
_________________________

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
_________________________

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
_________________________

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
_________________________

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'

She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[Metrocruiser]

I gave my Mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

A Christmas gift...



The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.



When she asked me why, I replied,



"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"



And that's how the fight started.....



________________________________



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

We were in bed.



I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'



'No,' she answered. I then said,



'Is that your final answer?'



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And that's when the fight started...



________________________________



I took my wife to a restaurant.



The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.



"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"



"Nah, she can order for herself."



And that's when the fight started.....



_______________________________



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.



I asked her, "Do you know him?"



"Yes", she sighed,



"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

Right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

Hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

Celebrating that long?"



And then the fight started...



________________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

To me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

Something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

Making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

Thought of a clever way to make her point.



When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

The house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the

Grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."



The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



______________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.



She asked, "What's on TV?"



I said, "Dust."



And then the fight started...



________________________________



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

Lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

Boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

Downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the

Garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

Would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

Anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

Terrible."



My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

Stupid husband is out fishing in that?"



And that's how the fight started...



_______________________________



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

Anniversary.



She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

About 3 seconds."



I bought her a bathroom scale.



And then the fight started......



______________________________



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

For Social Security.



The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

Verify my age.



I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

To go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.



So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.



She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

Me and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

The Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

Your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'



And then the fight started...



________________________________



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.



She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,



"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'



I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."



And then the fight started........



________________________________



I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!



The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!



He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'



So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'



That's how the fight started.

[Echo2]

http://www.youtube.com/v/1eXS0o6r-Wk%26rel=0%26hl=en_US%26feature=player_embedded%26 version=3

only way to take those pics....

http://botach.us-dc1-edit.store.yahoo.net/lib/botach/cm4500.jpg

[Metrocruiser]

That was pretty awesome. I would have pissed myself.


OK back to the jokes.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

[4suchatimeasthis]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/483478_359819334114786_1341314122_n.png

[Sniper-T]

So are you a woman or a girl, 4such?
;)

[4suchatimeasthis]

^^^For all you know, Sniper, I could be a man!

[helomech]

Your deer crossing video reminded me of this person.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBWxEh5HwWs

[Metrocruiser]

Are Bull Terriers Good With Children

The following story titled "Are Bull Terriers Good With Children?" by Peggy Arnaud appeared in The Bull Terrier Club Of South Australia magazine in February 1994, and has me in stitches every time I read it.

Here goes:-

Haven't we all been asked this question many times? Yes, if raised with children, a bull terrier is a perfect companion; gentle and aware of the child's fragility. Haven't we all watched a great lump of dog play quietly on the floor with babies, then without warning hurl itself upon an unsuspecting adult with sufficient force to practically land him in the intensive care unit. So I would like to ask this question - Are Bull Terriers Good With Adults? Not one of my dogs has ever laid a tooth on me, but the damage to my person has, over the years been considerable.

One rainy morning I was standing in the driveway watching my husband back out the car when Muffin came flat out around the corner of the house carrying a length of 2 x 4. What she was intending to do with this piece of lumber has never been determined - it is possible that she was becoming bored with the demolition trade and was about to enter the construction business. Turning at her approach, I received the full impact of the wood on my shinbone and was knocked to the ground by the force where I lay screaming with pain and fury. Muff observed this odd behaviour for a moment, then deciding that she had heard all those words before (usually directed at her anyway), she retrieved her wooden weapon, and spinning it around with the grace and agility of a baton twirler, connected neatly with the back of my head as I was attempting to get to my feet. The impact returned me to my previous horizontal position, this time face down. My husband, who witnessed the entire performance informed me later that the timing was superb - worthy of the best Keystone Cops or Marx Brothers. But he delayed his departure, herded the menace into her kennel and inquired through his merriment if I was hurt. Stating I thought I might live long enough to murder the wretched bitch, I was helped to my feet but found I could not put any weight on the injured leg and my scalp was cut and bleeding - so a trip to the accident room of the local hospital was thought advisable.

Being my first visit for emergency treatment, I was not prepared for the volume of information required. Name, address, occupation are routine - but how, when and why!....(I am an obstetrical nurse and our patients are admitted onto the floor with a minimum of questions. We know why they are there, and we know how it happened and we assume the patient knows too, although sometimes one wonders)!

The admitting nurse was efficient and thorough. Vital statistics dealt with came unexpected questions. "Now, how did this accident happen?" "Well," I said, "You see my dog had this big piece of wood in her mouth and she hit me with it."

"Your dog?" "Yes." "I see, - and the head wound?" "Well my dog did that too." "With a piece of wood?" "Yes, - it was the same piece of wood actually." "I see."

"Well," I said, coming quickly to Muffin's defence," of course she didn't mean to, she sort of spun around and she had this piece of wood in her mouth, you see - and, well-she hit me with it - I was sitting in the driveway at the time..."

Our local hospital does not have a psychiatric floor but I could see by the expression on the nurse's face that she was aware of the desperate need for one.

I was X-Rayed, treated amid controlled giggles from the staff, and released.

The next major incident followed swiftly. (Minor ones occur almost daily.) The paddock gate is, of necessity, sturdily built of oak and heavy. It opens inward. Every day I collect each dog after his play period.

I call them from whatever act of mayhem they may be committing, push open the gate and bend down ready to snap on the lead. For three hundred and sixty four days of the year Bloody Mary had galloped to the gate, come around it, and been leashed in the usual fashion. On this particular day,
whether due to a whim, or perhaps because the moon was in Aquarius she chose to project herself at approximately the speed of light from the far corner of the paddock, and instead of coming around the gate, she leapt at it with all the force of her fifty pounds of muscle, slamming it shut on my head. I
went down like a pole-axed ox, and remained down and out long enough for the murdureous beast to remove and eat the bait-biscuits from my pocket - she also removed and apparently ate the pocket. A small hairpiece I was wearing has never been seen again - presumably it was quickly killed and buried. Staggering into a lawn chair I sat holding my head and considering an early retirement from dog breeding, while Mary amused herself by eating the geraniums.

This pastoral scene continued for awhile until my neighbor drove up, took one look at me, and insisted - yes, you guessed it - on a trip to the Emergency Room.

The last thing I wished to do on this earth was return to the hospital where, after the Muffin episode, there exists some doubt as to my sanity - I am known locally as "that kook who lives up on the hill with those funny looking white things she says are dogs". But feeling too sick to argue or resist I was firmly placed in the car and hurried off to my fate.

And so it came to pass that once again I presented myself at the local Emergency Room. Of course, the admitting nurse was the same as before, the staff also. Approaching the desk in embarrassed misery - torn clothing, wild hair, a great lump on my forehead and eyes blackening fast, I am greeted by an obviously wary nurse - "Goodness, Mrs Arnaud, sit down. Whatever happened to you now?" I take a deep breath, (Oh God will get you for this Bloody Mary) and with visions of padded cells looming large in my future, "Well," I said "you see - my dog..."

Are Bull Terriers Good With Children?
Oh yes. They are lovely.
Are Bull Terriers Good With Adults?

Well I am an adult and they are not good with me, and I have the scars - my body, my furniture, and my psyche - to prove it.

Acknowledgement COLKET - 1976

http://psych-line.com/btrescue/funnybtstories.html


Sent from my SGH-I717R using Tapatalk 2

[Sniper-T]

http://i.imgur.com/mGmbW.jpg

[Sniper-T]

If I ever won a powerball type lottery, I would buy a whackload of these things...

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/14460_252249744904191_302735700_n.jpg

and sneak them into my friends food, just to mess with them!

[Sniper-T]

There was a small church in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week!
The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.

[4suchatimeasthis]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4067189561613&set=vb.1338537372&type=2&theater

[Echo2]

http://i581.photobucket.com/albums/ss251/soldierman79/PeanutButter.jpg

[Echo2]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/313508_417413238296595_1939584035_n.jpg

[izzyscout21]

http://static3.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/Fuck+you.+You+just+HAD+to+use+THIS+.gif+didn+t+_20 08b0bdb3a092cdbd36047c50ab8856.jpg

[Sniper-T]

^^^For all you know, Sniper, I could be a man!

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/eek.gif

[prepguide]

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to theantlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

[Sniper-T]

Oh no!!! Run Helo, run!!

lol

[helomech]

Oh no!!! Run Helo, run!!

lol

LMAO, I didn't make it past the first paragraph. I tried but could not do it.

[izzyscout21]

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to theantlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm209/D-Mare/sheldoncooperaprovesseal.jpg

[Sniper-T]

quick game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizzard, Spock; anyone?

http://i906.photobucket.com/albums/ac265/Giraut_photos/spock_scissors.png

http://i1044.photobucket.com/albums/b447/FUNKSPIEL1/The%20Big%20Bang%20Theory/Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock-the-big-bang-theory.jpg

[prepguide]

The Big Bang Theory is absolutely a terrific show!!

[Echo2]

http://s19.postimage.org/nh2y7jfxf/VONKY.jpg

[Echo2]

http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/bfIHF2.jpg

[izzyscout21]

^^ I wish i had thought of that for the one i built my kids.

[Echo2]

^^ I wish i had thought of that for the one i built my kids.

a parking lot?....:)

[Sniper-T]

http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i127/Excalibur01/pandas-need-guns17734443_std.jpg

And I am guessing he was refering to the sandbox, not the parking lot

[Echo2]

We are doomed....

http://www.folkingmetal.com/pickors/animals-with-babies.jpg

[Evolver]

^^^ She has a metal of honor tattooed on her leg... The Retriever!!! LOL

[izzyscout21]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.

A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the
woman's husband.

Pass this safety information on.

[Sniper-T]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/31603_4296139594564_295968571_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/316609_454501784609569_625934494_n.png

- - - Updated - - -

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/16028_496943580350189_262103340_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/32418_496830183694862_14324836_n.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/14629_496810220363525_1985581528_n.jpg

[Sniper-T]

His request approved,
the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN',
he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'



Two Arab terrorists
Are in a locker room, taking a shower
After their bomb making class in Melbourne ,
When one notices
The other has a huge cork stuck in his bum
If you don't mind my asking
Said the second,
'That cork looks uncomfortable.
Why don't you take it out?'

'I regret I cannot',
Lamented the first Arab.
'It is permanently stuck in my bum.'

'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says,
'I was walking along Russell Street ,
And tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke
And a huge old man
In an Australian Flag attire,
With a white beard and Akubra hat
Came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie,
The Genie.

I can grant you one wish.'
I said,

"No sh*t?

[Grumpy Old Man]

Three men died during the Holidays and showed up at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter looked at them and said " If you can show me something from your pockets that signifies Christmas, I will let you in Heaven."

The first guy reached in his pocket, pulled out his car keys, gave them a shake and sid "Jingle Bells". St. Peter nodded and let him into Heaven.

The next guy, knowing he couldn't repeat the Jingle Bells ploy, pulled a $10 and two $1s out of his wallet and said " The Twelve Days of Christmas". Once again St. Peter nodded and let him into Heaven.

By this time the third fellow was very nervous as he fumbled in his pockets to try and find something. He finally found some cloth and pulled it out and held up a pair of women's skimpy panties. St. Peter looked at him askance until the fellow quickly quipped, "Carol's", whereupon St. Peter let him in.

[Sniper-T]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very
attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
>
He's rather taken aback because he can't place

where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's school teacher.'

[Sniper-T]

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone ☎ rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go . It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I
took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence ,when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"..

[Sniper-T]

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the Revenue Canada. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the line : "List all dependents"

I replied: 2 million Native Indians; 1 million crack heads;

7.3 million unemployed people , 100,000 people in prisons;

Half of Haiti; and 105 persons in the Federal Senate and 308 Members of Parliament.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.


I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

[Grumpy Old Man]

As a man was walking along the beach, he spied a bottle bobbing in the surf. He quickly retrieved the bottle and began to clean it up, when out popped a genie! The genie said, "I usually grant 3 wishes, but I've been bobbing around in that bottle so long I'm seasick. So you only get one wish so make it good."

The man thought and thought and finally aked the genie, " Well, I have to go to England next week, and I hate flying and I'm afraid of boats, so how about making me a bridge from America to England?"

The genie replied, "No that's too much! Try again!"

The man thought for awhile and finally asked, "Well, I've always wanted to understand women. Will you grant me that wish?"

Whereupon the genie replied, "You want that bridge to be two-lane or four-lane?"

[Evolver]

One day, this guy whoʹs been stranded all alone on a desert island for 10 years, is sitting on the
beach when suddenly, a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear emerges from the
surf. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, ʺHow long has it been since youʹve had a
cigarette?ʺ
“Ten years!ʺ he said. She unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve and pulls out a fresh
pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, ʺOh, thatʹs good!ʺ
Then the woman asks, ʺHow long has it been since youʹve had a drink?ʺ Trembling, the man
says, ʺTen long years!ʺ The woman unzips her waterproof pocket on her left sleeve, pulls out a
flask of fine French cognac and gives it to him. The man takes a long swig and says, ʺMan,
thatʹs sweet!ʺ
The woman then starts slowly unzipping the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively
and asks, ʺAnd how long has it been since youʹve played around?ʺ
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, ʺOh sweet mother of God! Donʹt tell me youʹve got
golf clubs in there”?!

[Evolver]

A man joined the army during WWII and was going to go to war. He was sent out to the front, but somehow or other they forgot to give him a gun. So he ran up to his commanding officer, begging for a weapon.

The commander handed him a broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'BANGITY-BANG!'"

"Er... okay." said the soldier. "But I don't have a bayonet!"

The commanding officer taped a straw to the end of the broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'STABITY-STAB!'"

"Er... okay..." said the soldier, and he went off into battle.

Well, what do you know, but he gets seperated from his platoon. He was about to call for help, when he sees a German soldier coming towards him. Not knowing what else to do, he points the broom at him and yells "BANGITY-BANG!"

The german soldier falls down dead.

So the recruit is very pleased with this development. More Nazis come towards him. "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Down they go!

Soon he has a whole regiment after him! "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Finally there is only one German soldier left standing. The recruit points his broom.

"Bang." he says, confidently.

Nothing happens. The German soldier starts walking towards him, muttering.

"Bangity-bang?"

Nothing. The German continues to advance.

"BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!"

The German soldier runs him flat into the ground, squishing him to death.

All the while muttering, in German "Tankity-tank-Tankity-tank..."

[Echo2]

A man joined the army during WWII and was going to go to war. He was sent out to the front, but somehow or other they forgot to give him a gun. So he ran up to his commanding officer, begging for a weapon.

The commander handed him a broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'BANGITY-BANG!'"

"Er... okay." said the soldier. "But I don't have a bayonet!"

The commanding officer taped a straw to the end of the broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'STABITY-STAB!'"

"Er... okay..." said the soldier, and he went off into battle.

Well, what do you know, but he gets seperated from his platoon. He was about to call for help, when he sees a German soldier coming towards him. Not knowing what else to do, he points the broom at him and yells "BANGITY-BANG!"

The german soldier falls down dead.

So the recruit is very pleased with this development. More Nazis come towards him. "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Down they go!

Soon he has a whole regiment after him! "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Finally there is only one German soldier left standing. The recruit points his broom.

"Bang." he says, confidently.

Nothing happens. The German soldier starts walking towards him, muttering.

"Bangity-bang?"

Nothing. The German continues to advance.

"BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!"

The German soldier runs him flat into the ground, squishing him to death.

All the while muttering, in German "Tankity-tank-Tankity-tank..."

Groan....:)

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/564260_10150777664607436_1439693415_n.jpg

[Echo2]

http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/DvkwP.gif

[Sniper-T]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANoKOmGOong&feature=player_embedded

[Sniper-T]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_TfBbR6L0M

[Echo2]

http://sphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/v/702247_10200212790264074_1036086566_n.jpg?oh=702fe 1099699046acdad36b382e666cd&oe=50E61F1A&__gda__=1357316530_d756935a11f2b1e3cdc48e26fec21f8 9

[Echo2]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/908_176613112462623_1465667926_n.jpg

[4suchatimeasthis]

A Smart Blonde Joke


A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

[4suchatimeasthis]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

- - - Updated - - -

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/524593_474472169266418_20025026_n.jpg

[MegaCPC]

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

[mitunnelrat]

This made me laugh, Mega, but not why you might think ;)

A (French) man doesn't get labeled "the source of all known trouble in the universe" lightly. You may have just brought that much trouble on yourself! Lol

[4suchatimeasthis]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/s480x480/537272_10151391982680729_1183656495_n.jpghttps://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151391982680729&set=a.10150431097025729.407630.392659810728&type=1&ref=nf

I know it's not terribly ladylike of me, but I can't seem to help myself, lol.

[MegaCPC]

A (French) man doesn't get labeled "the source of all known trouble in the universe" lightly. You may have just brought that much trouble on yourself! Lol
Flame suit on!

[bacpacker]

Do I see a new name tag in the works??

(Think I'll hide and watch this one :) :) )

Good one BTW MEGA

[Evolver]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/s480x480/537272_10151391982680729_1183656495_n.jpghttps://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151391982680729&set=a.10150431097025729.407630.392659810728&type=1&ref=nf

I know it's not terribly ladylike of me, but I can't seem to help myself, lol.

And what about Nutcrackers... :confused: Collectible, Useful Aids or :eek:.

[MegaCPC]

This is what happens when you don't buy your own domain name... (http://senatorfeinstein.com/)

[Echo2]

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1117_10151206449077596_1261341270_n.jpg

[4suchatimeasthis]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/545064_491973600845310_363384488_n.jpg

[Echo2]

Remember.....50% of the people out there....are below average.

[bacpacker]

And they all voted for obummer! :)

[msomnipotent]

Remember.....50% of the people out there....are below average.

And 83% of statistics are made up!

[Echo2]

http://i.qkme.me/3sk0my.jpg

[Echo2]

http://i626.photobucket.com/albums/tt342/MalcolmAK/MacgyverMultitool_zps1472d9f2.jpg

[4suchatimeasthis]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/9471_326076260842095_2032215572_n.jpg

Dewalts answer to home protection that doesn't require a registration or license. This nail gun can shoot a 16-D nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards and incase of a home invasion well you can NAIL THEIR ASS to the wall. Im not saying it wont kill the perp but they wont get away. You can also help build a friends fence 2 blocks away while sitting in your front lawn. This is truly how you adapt and overcome so Thanks Dewalt.

[Echo2]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/545232_511819525524512_509649532_n.jpg

[Evolver]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/545232_511819525524512_509649532_n.jpg

All the people that got free phones, breakfast and a bus ride to the polling booths. :mad:

[Sniper-T]

http://i801.photobucket.com/albums/yy291/mlehtovaara/560241_182453285204555_113554503_n.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

http://i366.photobucket.com/albums/oo106/sigp226rfan/523773_397999573590095_1816473636_n.jpg

[MegaCPC]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zce-QT7MGSE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/480948_474310965962430_287683016_n.jpg

[ElevenBravo]

http://www.snopes.com/photos/technology/nailgun.asp


https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/9471_326076260842095_2032215572_n.jpg

Dewalts answer to home protection that doesn't require a registration or license. This nail gun can shoot a 16-D nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards and incase of a home invasion well you can NAIL THEIR ASS to the wall. Im not saying it wont kill the perp but they wont get away. You can also help build a friends fence 2 blocks away while sitting in your front lawn. This is truly how you adapt and overcome so Thanks Dewalt.

[4suchatimeasthis]

11B, I simply copied and pasted the picture and it's caption. I should have added a disclaimer, I guess, I assumed people realized it was a joke. My bad :)

[ElevenBravo]

No, not your bad. You did nothing wrong, I just added the Snoops link so someone seeing the picture would be able to tell it was non functional, and not from DeWalt. Because, when I first saw it... I thought it was! :-)

EB

[4suchatimeasthis]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/485910_474343879291264_486369823_n.jpg

[Echo2]

http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/opNnoOx.gif

[Sniper-T]

^
Bizzarre!!!

[Echo2]

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y44/mfingar/GunsDontKeepUsSafe.jpg

[Echo2]

http://i987.photobucket.com/albums/ae357/Captain_Morgan_02/BBCBD96F-751B-40D1-AAD1-A0B4D33FDFE8-5788-00000A6DA31CC4C7.jpg

[Sniper-T]

BOOM! HEADSHOT!!!


https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/484819_476123575784796_1901261707_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

http://naturalnews.com/Cartoons/Rawesome-Foods_600.jpg

[Taz Baby]

http://naturalnews.com/Cartoons/Guns-Are-Bad-600.jpg

[Echo2]

http://naturalnews.com/Cartoons/Rawesome-Foods_600.jpg


Socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbor.
Communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government and they may give you some milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. You give all the milk to the government and the government sells it.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes both cows.
Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both cows, shoot the government agent and steal another cow.
Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government makes you take harmonica lessons.

[Echo2]

A young guy, going on a date, hoping to get lucky, goes to the pharmacy for some condoms. He pays the pharmacist and goes home to shower, etc. before his date.

Upon arriving, his girlfriend asks him to stay for supper and meet her folks. Okay, he thinks, anything to get some of this stuff.

When he sits down, he asks if he can say grace. He says a mighty prayer, about eight minutes long, and as he is leaving with his date, she says, "I never knew you were so devout!" He replies, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"

[Sniper-T]

Registry on the first day back at school in Toronto.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."
"Ali Son al Len” - Silence.
"Ali Son al Len" - Continued silence as everyone looked
around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced Alison Allen...

[Sniper-T]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=A44oEcmDn1c

[Sniper-T]

put your coffee down ...


Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card
bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at
me, saying I am stealing his money.. He says pay the minimum and let our
kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the
interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that
most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to
whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even
more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the
next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims…

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same
room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed,
Lost




Dear Lost,

Stop being a whining b**** Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the
world and have people wait on you hand an foot. Doesn’t cost you a dime either as others pay for
any and everything you do or buy.

You can always divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with
the friggen idiot for four more years!


Signed,
Abby

[Sniper-T]

http://suxorz.com/images/2013/01/27/MGBw.png
http://suxorz.com/images/2013/01/27/SK9hM.png
http://suxorz.com/images/2013/01/27/MwXGC.jpg
http://suxorz.com/images/2013/01/27/bBpW.jpg
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[Sniper-T]

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[Sniper-T]

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[4suchatimeasthis]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/s480x480/312453_4642400252598_357323853_n.jpg

71 yesterday and tonights "real feel" temp is gonna be a whopping 17. Tennessee, it's weather is never boring!

[Sniper-T]

Sensitivity Training For Men... some of us have obviously failed at this.

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Betty.

* Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[Sniper-T]

Anyone here from Kentucky???


http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/kENTUCKY_zpscc53bc39.jpg

[Sniper-T]

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

[bacpacker]

T you are twisted! I kinda like it.

[Sniper-T]

http://imageshack.us/a/img22/6049/mountr.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

http://imageshack.us/a/img507/8412/petabear.jpg

[bacpacker]

PETA, yeah right.

[izzyscout21]

189

[Sniper-T]

So You Picked the Wrong SHTF Gun, Did You? (Funny, but interesting...)


Unfortunately I didn't write this. But I thought it was humorous.

After some years now of reading internet bulletin boards, I think I've got the pros and cons of possible SHTF rifle choices figured out. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the following is my analysis based upon the wisdom of numerous gun board gurus(you know them, they're always the first ones to tell you a particular model gun is "junk" and enlighten you as to why they have made the only logical purchases)...

The AR 15:
Great, awesome, unbelievable rifle(when it works). Can hit a fly in the butt at 300 yards (when it works). If one is ever attacked by a pack of feral poodles post-SHTF, this is the perfect defensive rifle (unless it jams, in which case you're poodle food). The upside is that one can hang more plastic aftermarket doo-dads on it than a Christmas tree, which may effectively frighten away bad guys when the gun jams. Also, by simply changing the upper, one can convert it into a Ruger 10/22, a crossbow,or an air rifle.

The MINI-14:
Could be a good rifle, but it's not black.

The SKS:
Best obsolete rifle ever made (even if it isn't black, but you can buy a black aftermarket stock that looks kinda like an AR). If you need to lay in a big mud puddle and shoot at bad guys, this is the rifle to have. It will shoot as well as ever (maybe even better) when full of mud and the ten round mag makes puddle shooting a breeze since unlike hi-cap mags, you can hold the rifle upright in prone (mud puddle) position. Major drawback is that everyone knows that in a post-SHTF situation one must immediately fire thousands of rounds, a task for which a fixed ten round magazine is ill equipped, which is why they invented the AK. You can buy aftermarket hi-cap mags, but they often jam, creating the illusion that one is shooting an AR when combined with a nifty aftermarket stock. Other major drawback is that the 7.62 x 39 round is not .223 or .308.

The AK-47:
The AK-47 solved the difficult problem of firing thousands of rounds at approaching bad guys by allowing you to deftly change 30 round mags taped back to back, or for the truly ambitious, drum type magazines may be found. Unfortunately, buying an AK-47 is difficult, as they only come in full auto configurations. The good news is that a number of semi-automatic variants are available, allowing you to simulate an actual AK-47 by pulling the trigger really, really fast. Like the SKS, AK variants function best when filled with mud, but actually filling them is difficult as the hi-cap magazine makes lying in a mud puddle while shooting much more difficult. Fortunately, tactical experts from a mysterious facility known only to us as "the hood" have developed the "homeboy" method of handling an AK variant which promises to alleviate the hi-cap magazine vs mud puddle problem. One drawback of the AK variant is that (like the SKS) it's not black, however, aftermarket vendors have corrected this tactical faux pas on the part of Soviet designers by offering black furniture for those "in the know". Like the SKS, the AK variant also suffers from the troubling problem that the 7.62 x 39 round is not .223 or .308. However, recognizing this problem, Russian designers have created a similar cartridge to the .223 known as the 5.45 x 39.5. The problem of the 7.62 x 39 not being a .308 has not been addressed, as Russian poodles are apparently no larger than American poodles. Nevertheless, the quest to make smaller and smaller projectiles for combat weapons continues and rumors of a newer and better innovation known as the "pellet gun" have recently surfaced. We await an AR upper to accommodate this promising new caliber.

The Mosin-Nagant:
This unpronounceable rifle has a long history of military service. Napoleon reportedly had one. The unusually long 91/30 barrel combined with bayonet insures that it should be especially useful should a SHTF scenario involve the "redcoats" coming. The major drawback of this rifle is that it is a bolt action, which could make firing the prerequisite thousands of rounds at approaching bad guys difficult. However, if the Mosin owner and the bad guys are patient, one should be able to sling enough lead downrange by the time they are older than their rifle currently is. Like other eastern block rifles, the Mosin also is not black. This may be a possible reason why the Soviets lost the cold war. However, like the SKS and AK, western vendors have corrected this problem by offering an aftermarket stock in black. Unfortunately, none are available with a pistol grip. If Napoleon’s Mosin had a pistol grip, he may have very well conquered the world, but that's another discussion. Other "carbine" type Mosins are also available, which would be the perfect compliment if one's SHTF plan includes charging at bad guys on horseback while wearing a fur hat, swinging a curved saber and swilling a bottle of vodka.

The CETME:
While the Mosin-Nagant takes a step in the right direction by chambering a larger caliber, the CETME promises to actually be able to send the desired thousands of rounds downrange much like the AK, only with the "bang" being in Spanish rather than Russian. While promising, the CETME is said to fall short since it's commonly known that the Century built models can only be fired once before exploding. The best-known solution is to use the CETME like a hand grenade, throwing it at the bad guys and hoping they try to fire it so it explodes on them rather than you.

The G3:
The G3 would probably make a good post-SHTF weapon, but they're full auto and Uncle Sam says you can't have one. Because he said so and because "he's the uncle". Well, you could get one if you sold your house and lived in your car to pay for it, but that's pretty much the same thing. The good news is that you could get a semi-automatic version like the HK91 or PTR-91 (and they're black, a major improvement on the original CETME design). The major complaint about this design is that it has stuff like a fluted chamber and a roller-delayed blowback action, making it too exotic for a viable SHTF weapon. The other major drawback reported about this German improvement on the CETME design is that it's not an M1A or a FAL.

The FAL:
The FAL is the freemason of rifles. Though you don't run into them often, they're reported to be everywhere and secretly control the world of guns. This explains why FAL owners tend to worship their rifles, often converting their gun cabinets into FAL shrines and performing bizarre candlelit rituals before their rifle, which only the initiated understand.. For the uninitiated, the upside is that the FAL can be found in black furniture and has hi-cap magazines. FAL owners tend to taunt AR owners about their "poodle shooter" calibers, touting the ability of the .308 to penetrate such obstacles as trees. While this puzzles some, I suspect that the members of the FAL cult may have some mysterious knowledge that common gun owners do not.. Perhaps when the SHTF and hordes of trees rise up to destroy the human race we will all wish we had a FAL.

The M1A:
The M1A is the ultimate SHTF rifle. We know this because M1A owners remind us of this constantly. Like the FAL, the M1A is capable of stopping a tree in its tracks. When the hordes of killer trees take the rest of us, FAL and M1A owners will likely be the only ones left to hash out who has the better rifle. Of course, we know the answer (because M1A owners remind us of it constantly). The M1A not only has superior penetration, it is extremely accurate at distance. Therefore, when the hordes of killer trees have all been mowed down, FAL owners will fall quickly to the hordes of paper silhouette targets come to avenge their woodland brethren.. The M1A owners will stop the avenging targets with neat, 1 MOA groups center mass at 600 yards. At that point, the standard M1A owners will have to hash out which is the better gun with the SOCOM 16 owners to determine who will inherit the earth. A glaring design error in the M1A is that it's not black, which is why they invented the SOCOM.

Other military style rifles:
There are, in fact, other military style rifles, which I have not mentioned. It is, however, widely understood that all of these other rifles will fail as soon as the stuff hits the fan and being less common than the others, parts will not be available, rendering them all useless.

Pistol caliber carbines and sporting rifles:
Aside from the biggies, there are carbines in pistol calibers, but as Jeff Cooper says about the .32, if your shoot someone with one, and they notice, they'll probably get mad. Therefore, pistol caliber carbines are fun toys, but not a serious SHTF choice.

Sporting rifles are right out. They are not designed to fire the required volume of ammunition in a short period. Under such stress, their barrels will melt and droop like wet noodles, leaving the user defenseless.

Well, that's about it. Thanks to the Internet and the plethora of gurus on it, I now have a comprehensive understanding of every possible SHTF rifle, even one's I've never owned or even shot. Naturally, I had to pass this know-how on.


But Wait……

You bought the wrong gun!!!



M14/M1A: Clunky, heavy, and overpowered. Essentially a Garand tarted up with a removable magazine, in a half-baked attempt to adapt a 19th century rifle design philosophy to the mid-20th century. Most often named as favorite infantry rifle by people who never had to hump a 10-pound wood-stocked rifle with lots of sharp protrusions and no collapsible anything on a three day exercise, or try to make it through a firefight with the standard battle load of five 20-round magazines.

AK-47: Crude and inaccurate bullet thrower designed by and for illiterate peasants. Chambered in a caliber that manages to cut the ballistics of a proper .30-caliber battle rifle in half without passing on any weight savings to the grunt. Ergonomics only suitable for Russian midgets. Archaic cable trigger spring, crummy sights, no sight radius to speak of, no bolt hold-open device, and a clumsy safety. Favorite infantry rifle of Middle Eastern goat herders, guys named Abdullah, and backwoods militia types who like the fact that it shoots cheap ammo and has ballistics like their familiar .30-30.

H&K G-3/HK-91: Ergonomics of a railroad tie. No bolt release, and a locking system that requires three men and a mule to work the cocking handle. Fluted chamber that mauls brass, and violent bolt motion that dings the brass that didn’t get mauled too badly by the chamber. Stamped sheet metal construction, yet just as heavy as a milled steel M14. Safety lever that requires unnaturally long thumbs, and a trigger pull that feels like dragging a piano across a gravel road with your index finger. Favorite infantry rifle of Cold War nostalgics and third world commandos.

M-16/AR-15: Underpowered varmint rifle burdened by a crummy magazine design. Nasty direct-impingement gas system that poops where it eats. High sight line, flimsy alloy-and-plastic construction. Generally favored by range commandos, tactical disciples, military vets who have never fired anything else for comparison, and Brownells addicts who a.) enjoy spending three times the cost on the rifle on bolt-on accoutrements, and b.) never have to use their rifle away from a dry, sunny range.

G-36: Flimsy plastic rifle with non-user adjustable fair-weather optics that fog up when a gnat breaks wind in front of them. Magazines that take up twice as much pouch space than others in the same caliber because of the "clever" coupling nubs on the magazine housing. Skeleton folding stock that is about as suitable for butt-stroking as a plastic mess spork. Twice as expensive as other rifles in its class because of the "HK" logo on the receiver. Preferred infantry rifle of SWAT cops, and soldiers whose militaries haven’t been in shooting conflicts since the 1940s.

Glock: Butt-ugly plastic shooting appliance with the ergonomics of a caulking gun. Five-pound trigger with no external safety makes it ill suited for its target market (cops who shoot a hundred rounds a year for qualification). Favored by gangbangers because the product name is short and rhymes with other short, rap-friendly words.

Beretta 92F/M9: Clunky and overweight rip-off of a clunky and overweight German design from the 1930s. Shear-happy locking block, ergonomics that are only suited for linebackers, barely adequate sights that are partially non-replaceable, and low capacity for its size. Favored by Eighties action movie fanatics and John Woo freaks.

1911: Overweight and overly complex piece of late 19th century technology. Low capacity, useless sights in stock form, and a field-stripping procedure that requires three hands. Favored by people who are at the cutting edge of handgun technology and combat shooting…of the 1960s.

H&K P7: Wildly overpriced, heavy for its size, low capacity in most iterations, and blessed with a finish that rusts if you give the gun a moist glance. Gas tube has a tendency to roast the trigger finger after a box or two of ammo at the range. Favored by gun snobs who think that paying twice as much for half the rounds means four times the fighting skill.

SIG Sauer: Top-heavy bricks with the rust resistance of an untreated iron nail at the bottom of a bucket of saltwater. Ergonomically sound, if you have size XXL mitts. Some minor parts made in Germany, so the manufacturer can charge 75% Teutonic Gnome Magic premium. Favored by Jack Bauer fans and wannabe Sky Marshals/Secret Service agents.

Revolvers: Archaic hand weapons from a bygone era, the missing link between flintlocks and autoloaders. Low capacity, and reloading requires a lunch break. Heavy for their capacity, unless you’re talking about airweight snubbies, which hurt as much on the giving end as they do on the receiving end. Rare stoppages, but few malfunctions that don’t require gunsmith services, which are hard to come by in a gunfight. Favored by crusty old farts who just now got around to trusting newfangled smokeless powder, and Dirty Harry fans with unrealistic ideas about the power of Magnum rounds vs. engine blocks.

SMLE/Enfield: Refinement of a 19th century blackpowder design. Weapon of choice for militaries who either couldn’t afford Mausers, or had ideological hang-ups about Kraut rifles. Rimlock-prone cartridge that only barely classifies as a battle rifle round because of blackpowder derivation and insufficient lock strength of the platform. Favored by Canadians with WWII nostalgia, and people who think that semi-auto rifles are a passing fad.

Browning HP: Fragile frame designed around a popgun round. Near-useless safety in stock form that’s only suitable for the thumbs of elementary schoolers. Strangest and most circuitous way to trip a sear ever put into a handgun. Favored by wannabe SAS commandos, wannabe mercenaries, and Anglophiles who think that hammer-down, chamber-empty carry is the most appropriate way to carry a defensive sidearm.

Benelli shotguns: Plastic boutique scatterguns made by people with the martial acumen of dairy cows. Hideously expensive, and therefore popular with police agencies that get their equipment financed by tax dollars.

FN FAL: Long and lightweight receiver that’s impossible to scope properly. Overpowered round, twenty-round magazines that run dry in a blink, and an overall weapon length that’s only suitable for Napoleonic line infantry, but utterly useless for airborne and armored infantry. Made by Belgians, a nation with a military history that is limited to waving German divisions through at the border. Favored by Falklands veterans, Commonwealth fanboys, and people who think that dial-a-recoil gas systems are the epitome of infantry technology.

And now, YOUR CALIBER SUCKS TOO!!!

9mm Luger: European popgun round that’s only popular because the ammo is cheap for a centerfire cartridge. Cheap ammo is a good thing for 9mm aficionados, because anything bigger and more dangerous than a cranky raccoon will likely require multiple well-placed hits. Wildly popular all over the world, mostly in countries where people don’t carry guns, and cops don’t have to actually shoot people with theirs.

.45 ACP: Chunky low-pressure cartridge that hogs magazine space and requires a low-capacity design (if the gun needs to fit human hands) or a grip with the circumference of a two-liter soda bottle (if the gun needs to hold more than seven rounds). Disturbingly prone to bullet setback, expensive to reload, fits only into big and clunky guns, and a recoil that has an inversely proportionate relationship with muzzle energy.

.40 S&W: Neutered compromise version of a compromise cartridge. Even more setback-happy than the .45ACP, and setbacks are much more dangerous because of higher pressure and smaller case volume. Manages to sacrifice both the capacity of the 9mm and the bullet diameter of the .45. Twice the recoil of the 9mm for 10% more muzzle energy.

.357 SIG: Highly overpriced boutique round that does the .40S&W one worse: it manages to share the capacity penalty of the .40 while retaining the small bullet diameter of the 9mm. Noisy, sharp recoil, and 100% cost penalty for ballistics that can be matched by a good 9mm +P+ load. Penetrates like the dickens, which means that the Air Marshals just had to adopt it…only to load their guns with frangible bullets to make sure they don’t penetrate like the dickens.

.38 Special: Legacy design with a case length that’s 75% longer than necessary for the mediocre ballistics of the round due to its blackpowder heritage. On the plus side, the case length makes it easy to handle when reloading the gun. This is a good thing because anyone using their .38 in self-defense against a 250-pound attacker hopped up on crack will need to empty the gun multiple times.

.32 ACP: Inadequate for anything more thick-skinned than Northeastern squirrels or inbred Austrian archdukes. Semi-rimmed cartridge that is rimlock-happy in modern lightweight autoloaders. Doesn’t go fast enough to expand a hollowpoint bullet, and it wouldn’t matter even if it did, because the bullet would only expand from tiny to small-ish.

.44 Magnum: Overpowered round that generates manageable recoil and muzzle blast…if you’re a 300-pound linebacker with wrists like steel girders. Often loaded to “Lite” levels that turn it into a noisy .44 Special while retaining the ego-preserving Magnum headstamp. Considered the “most powerful handgun cartridge in the world” by people whose gun knowledge is either stuck in 1960, or who get their expertise in ballistics from Dirty Harry movies..

.50 Desert Eagle - The Magnum of the new century. Realizing Hollywood couldn't escape their Magnum fetishes, they had a handgun that fits the same stopping power quota of .44 Magnum and all of its filthy drawbacks. Popular amongst steroid filled movie actors who needs big guns to compensate for the steroid struck testicles. Comes in a baby variant for junior.

10mm Auto: Super-high pressure cartridge that beats up gun and shooter alike. Very brisk recoil in anything other than all-steel S&W boat anchors, with a shot recovery that’s measured in geological epochs for most handgun platforms. Often underloaded to wimpy levels (see “.40 S&W”), which then gives it 9mm ballistics while requiring .45ACP magazine real estate.

.380 ACP/9mm Kurz: Designed by people who thought the 9mm Luger was a bit too brisk and snappy, which is pretty much all that needs to be said here. Great round if you expect to only ever be attacked by people less than seven inches thick from front to back.

.357 Magnum: Lots of recoil, muzzle blast, and noise to drive a 9mm bullet to reckless speeds in an attempt to make up for its low mass and diameter. Explosive fragmentation and insufficient penetration with light bullets; excessive penetration and insufficient expansion with heavy ones. Still makes only 9mm holes in the target.

5.7×28 mm: Ingenious way to make a centerfire .22 Magnum and then charge quadruple price for the same ballistics. Awesome chambering for a police weapon…if you’re the park ranger in charge of the chipmunk exhibit at the zoo, and you want to make sure you can take one down if it turns rabid on you.

.25 ACP: Direct violation of the maxim “Never do an enemy a minor injury”. Designed by folks who wanted to retain the bullet diameter of the .22 rimfire round, but take a bit of the excessive lethality out of it. Favored by people who don’t feel comfortable carrying anything more dangerous than the neighbor kid’s rusty Red Ryder pellet gun.

[Evolver]

In what room in your house can you be three different nationalities?

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The Bathroom...
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First your Russian!!!!



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Then European,,,,



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Then your Finnish.... Ahhhhhhhh.

[Sniper-T]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[Sniper-T]

that awkward moment when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind, and then you realize she just lost an earring... and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your ipod

[Sniper-T]

http://cdn.motinetwork.net/motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0805/slow-children-greg-hunt-hunting-slow-children-funny-sign-spo-demotivational-poster-1209764864.jpg

[Sniper-T]

A single guy was living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his cancer-stricken father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Evolver]

Good reads...

100 Yards to the Outhouse. by Willie Makeit
^^^ its sequel "The Slippery Path" by Betty Don't Makeit
Antlers In The Treetops. by Who Goosed The Moose.
Tracks in the Sand. by Hee Hung Lo.
Hole in the Bed. by Mr. Completely.
Names in the Snow. by I.P. Standing.

[Sniper-T]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_OuD2L1Dj0

[Taz Baby]

Oh no you didn't just do that. Sniper t that is just gross. I really am concerned about you now, :p

[Echo2]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_OuD2L1Dj0

If I were to have went my whole life with out seeing that.....that'd have been OK....:)

Different game show....

http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/AyvPbdX.png

[Sniper-T]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/539575_511636158902461_874010513_n.jpg

[Sniper-T]

THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in a coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth
and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.”

The woman thought to herself, ‘Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot! ‘
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”
“ Denise .” said the doctor.

The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to her self, ‘Wow, that's a really beautiful name.
I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise .'

Then she asked, “So what's the boy's name then?”


The doctor replied : “Denephew.”

[Sniper-T]

This is about an hour from my place:

http://cdn.motinetwork.net/motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1001/canadian-road-rage-canada-traffic-jam-i-hate-when-they-go-10-demotivational-poster-1263401866.jpg

[Echo2]

This is about an hour from my place:

http://cdn.motinetwork.net/motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1001/canadian-road-rage-canada-traffic-jam-i-hate-when-they-go-10-demotivational-poster-1263401866.jpg

Minigun and a bunch of pressure canners FTW.

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/149765_433354566694569_1105840546_n.jpg


A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

[Sniper-T]

I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that she could see from the bedroom window that I'd left the light on in the shed. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, who told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to hurry now cause I've shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

I replied with "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

- - - Updated - - -

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the
space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter-proof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two,
and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for
suggestions .

NASA responded with a one-line memo, "Defrost the chicken."

[Sniper-T]

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/veganshit_zps64307528.gif

[Echo2]

http://imageshack.us/a/img803/562/canadahistory.jpg

[Sniper-T]

^
at least once a winter!

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/179666_481651558550926_686475756_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

And making drool puddles everywhere.




https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/487214_272031342926982_1678762228_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/602190_270165753113541_279236751_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/555797_269582619838521_1678788561_n.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/33974_269101299886653_1390016212_n.jpg

Where's Sniper T when you need him?

[Sniper-T]

Hang on kitty... I'll help you! now go get a couple glasses!

lol

love the seat belt one!

[Taz Baby]

I would wear that t-shirt if I had it. Maybe we can have it made with the ant in the middle,
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4668866587329780&pid=15.1&H=128&W=160

[RedJohn]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/555797_269582619838521_1678788561_n.jpg

Of course, this is the driver's british version or the regular passenger side.

[Echo2]

I hate clowns.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3Qy4K5zYKk

[RedJohn]

http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/4720/milleruo7.jpg

[RedJohn]

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/5080/poopmprlo0.jpg

[bacpacker]

Good one RJ.

[4suchatimeasthis]

Hahaha, that is so wrong, and so right at the same time.

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/379207_4314022889078_846383944_n.jpg

[bacpacker]

Taz, Your post sounds like you might be from Tn. :)

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/529899_510205162351609_67866646_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/559920_588835021145964_1754640136_n.jpg

[piranha2]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/379207_4314022889078_846383944_n.jpg


Amen, sister.

[4suchatimeasthis]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/217463_4437382649839_1144520833_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

Yep I saw that on Facebook and it is so true

[Taz Baby]

Often the receptionist at the doctor's office ask why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others and sometimes it is embarrassing.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
http://rookery.s3.amazonaws.com/810500/810938_cf6b_1024x2000.jpg
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.


The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

[Echo2]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_T-F_zfoDqI

[4suchatimeasthis]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/599159_10151272140641971_718515007_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/378987_10151469836319347_1879472923_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/301563_502113343182192_1572895458_n.jpg

[4suchatimeasthis]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/551443_10151536395433169_876032841_n.jpg

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/13017_10151247314261459_95284257_n.jpg

[Sniper-T]

I call Bingo!

what do I win for a full card covered?

[Taz Baby]

To see in person each and every thing that is on the card.

[4suchatimeasthis]

Sniper, you get a yellow smiley sticker, and a shopping cart with a broken wheel that pulls sharply to the left!

[RedJohn]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/599159_10151272140641971_718515007_n.jpg

Hey now. This ain't funny. I started in the Navy as one of the brown jersey (Aircraft Captain) and finished my Navy career as a green jersey (Aircraft Engineer).

[Taz Baby]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=j_e-_mfjhrE#!

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/598962_517746134942484_836398066_n.jpg

[4suchatimeasthis]

;)

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/67093_10151582890611264_1010853169_n.jpg

[bacpacker]

I miss George! Back in the seventies, there wasn't anyone funnier.

[Echo2]

I miss George! Back in the seventies, there wasn't anyone funnier.

Steve Martin....:)

[bacpacker]

Steve was good, but I liked George better. I even had him on casstte tapes. I know, I know, but he was good.

[Taz Baby]

Just for you Sniper T

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/682_574331222584824_1817168433_n.png

[4suchatimeasthis]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/527731_143016319208242_2063216598_n.jpg

[Sniper-T]

^
Now THAT is true love! What a guy!!!!!

[piranha2]

Yep, he loves you. You picked well.

[4suchatimeasthis]

Err, I just thought it was cute....my husband isn't actually a prepper, lol.

[Echo2]

https://dl.dropbox.com/s/o1nhn0bakuuxhq5/girl%20dat%20ass%20is%20on%20fiiiiiiiire.gif

[Evolver]

https://dl.dropbox.com/s/o1nhn0bakuuxhq5/girl%20dat%20ass%20is%20on%20fiiiiiiiire.gif

Dang now that was good fart blue dart now we just need to find a good way to harvest them for future use . :p

Thinking.... Farts are one of the causes of globule warming (just ask Al) so... we all should draw up are inventions and send them to the BIG O to get grants for the renewable energy act. Thinking again... Oh but wait... The BIG O will say it was his idea and dump another $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ into it!




Never mind! :o

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/601241_495139950545230_70526015_n.jpg

[Sniper-T]

I would have captioned it "I killed it, it's mine! Get your own dinner!"

[piranha2]

https://dl.dropbox.com/s/o1nhn0bakuuxhq5/girl%20dat%20ass%20is%20on%20fiiiiiiiire.gif

How I would love to give the Big O a big fart. Just sayin...........

[Sniper-T]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon,



he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.




His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she




finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting,




shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

I wasn't

[Sniper-T]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.


A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."


The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.



"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,' but before she could say 'f***-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

[Taz Baby]

This is for you Grumpy.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/943452_449188788506887_659868893_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

http://www.wimp.com/signeat/

[Taz Baby]

why doesn;t the video show? Is it because only YouTube video work here?

[Sniper-T]

I get 'video not found' when I click on it

[Taz Baby]

http://www.wimp.com/signeat/
it works for me but here is another link I hope will work.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PU7hPOY8n_Y

I guess only youtube video's work here.

[Sniper-T]

wtf kind of pajamas is he wearing???

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/947062_552491421460410_1369871094_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

And bacon

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/485620_525253420857406_577218523_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX8xcPl37Ms

[MegaCPC]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune...


One evening, at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,"
he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three weeks later...



...she became his stepmother......

[Domeguy]

...she became his stepmother

OUCH! I guess he didn't see that one coming.

[Taz Baby]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/553019_10151391270521947_1428741760_n.jpg



A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[RedJohn]

why doesn;t the video show? Is it because only YouTube video work here?


I guess only youtube video's work here.

Nope, we're accepting all these: Hulu, YouTube (Long), YouTube (Short), Vimeo, Dailymotion, Metacafe, Google and Facebook

[Taz Baby]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/17622_316423928494912_521907315_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

The weirdest thing just happened to me. I have this cell phone that has a memo on it and I can click the microphone image and talk to it, then it types what I say. Well as I was telling it my grocery list, I said vinegar and it typed, "that N*****". Now that can only mean one word, but I didn't say it. Word of caution, watch how you talk to your phone, it just might put the wrong words in your mouth.

[Taz Baby]

This maybe old but I still laugh at it.

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/577015_10151359669428716_1699441567_n.jpg

[bacpacker]

Taz that one is great no matter how many times you hear it. I can just see the look on the cocky agents face. Priceless!

[Taz Baby]

stumbled across this while looking for the pronunciation of the word legumes. (setting the stage) 3 people in a room, all on their computers. I have the speakers on, I type the word legumes and we all bust out laughing. Now thinking of other words to type I try (sorry I was just curious) the N word and the Cracker word. We are all now running to get tissues and having to Pee. We had so much fun with this simple thing, I thought I would share. Delete this if I went to far with this post.


http://howjsay.com/

[MegaCPC]

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb146/megacpc/gunowners_zpsbe96127b.jpg (http://s210.photobucket.com/user/megacpc/media/gunowners_zpsbe96127b.jpg.html)

Society may be on to something...

[Katrina]

Joe Kelly
Undeniable Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap
when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5.
I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection, again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[Taz Baby]

So that's why dogs get into the kitty litter, Who Knew.

https://sphotos-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/45266_10151610922916997_1464246681_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://sphotos-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1011351_10151610400731997_523947743_n.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

https://sphotos-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/1001738_10151610287801997_1372723329_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/970482_10151768246027372_1514097063_n.jpg

[bacpacker]

I need that sign down the road from my house!

[Taz Baby]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1094967_266652633459705_1499207852_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer

[MegaCPC]

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb146/megacpc/SoWasNormandy_zpsbd93c543.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb146/megacpc/closed_zps8b4fd9ed.gif (http://s210.photobucket.com/user/megacpc/media/closed_zps8b4fd9ed.gif.html)

[MegaCPC]

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb146/megacpc/RADAR_zps603ffbaf.jpg (http://s210.photobucket.com/user/megacpc/media/RADAR_zps603ffbaf.jpg.html)

[Katrina]

My cousin sent this to me.

IF YOU MARRY A MICHIGAN GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was... to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
... and put away.

The second man married a woman from Alabama. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash dishes, and prepare gourmet meals.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Michigan. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry
washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[bacpacker]

Luckily my Michigan girl has plenty of Southern blood flowing thru her. That and she would have to get a stool to do that to me.
Unless she caught me sleeping. :)

[Taz Baby]

https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1395908_547821345300718_853323065_n.jpg



Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[MegaCPC]

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb146/megacpc/BAR_zps9c506a9a.jpg (http://s210.photobucket.com/user/megacpc/media/BAR_zps9c506a9a.jpg.html)

[Taz Baby]

https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1511038_726141220759879_1970473283_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

[Taz Baby]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10001547_809563452406557_485233288_n.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1.0-9/1975076_809397412423161_1365653118_n.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1.0-9/1970623_809827835713452_1228756280_n.jpg

[Stormfeather]

http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l128/Strmfeathr/funny-The-Walking-Dead-crossbow-guy_zps19c2d132.jpg (http://s95.photobucket.com/user/Strmfeathr/media/funny-The-Walking-Dead-crossbow-guy_zps19c2d132.jpg.html)

[Taz Baby]

https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/1972424_10152248728087808_2077067699_n.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/1797986_10202613018621216_955297065_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/t1.0-9/1979641_10152321738828809_1077998831_n.png

- - - Updated - - -

https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/1613928_863953953631710_1639257001_n.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/1505358_863878076972631_995032297_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

this is for the men who want to lose weight.

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

[bacpacker]

Morale of the story, don't go for the fad diets! :)

[Taz Baby]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/1499673_10152019582866112_174577642_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1.0-9/10150583_10152297139974140_1539295247_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

this is long but worth the read

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1.0-9/10155131_10153930119700162_662852995_n.jpg

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her

[Taz Baby]

https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/10170765_643037179098439_3462573889822791780_n.jpg

[Taz Baby]

https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/1508067_10152022630003089_1364797181_n.jpg



Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

[Sniper-T]

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about
his physical activity level.
He said he spent 3 days a week in the outdoors. "Yesterday afternoon
was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty
rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through
2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely
avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to
the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear
and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all
left me shattered. so at the end of it all I drank a few scotches and three
quarts of beer."

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You are one hell of an outdoorsman!"

"No," the man replied, "I'm just a really, really crappy golfer."

- - - Updated - - -

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look

after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs

apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful

howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs

locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so

frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although

it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then

call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his

erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

[Sniper-T]

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas-Style!"

The contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed through Mission, up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.


Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 14 bumper stickers which will read:

1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. " George Strait can't sing"
7. " Elect Hillary In 2016"
8. " Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
10. "Al Franken Is My Hero"
11. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
12. "It's Bush's Fault"
13. "Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion"

And the last sticker is…

14. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

[Sniper-T]

Little Johnny is not so little any more, so he moves out and gets his own apartment. A few days later he's walking down the hall and a naked woman opens her apartment door, and asks Johnny if he likes what he sees.

He says "Yes"

She says "quick come inside I think I hear some one coming."

Johnny says "Lady you have the best ears of anyone I have ever met"

She says "what the hell I am beautiful 36 24 26 stark naked and you are talking about my ears"

Johnny says "remember when you heard someone coming?"

"Yes" she replies

Johnny says "well that was me"

[Sniper-T]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKHeXC7L85s

:cool:

[Sniper-T]

http://img.pr0gramm.com/2012/07/av1nw.jpg

[Sniper-T]

It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my first rectal exam. His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:A Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer. When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc", I'm a little confused
This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

[Sniper-T]

Madam Devereaux opened the brothel door in New Orleans and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.


The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.


The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied," New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your$15,000 inheritance."

[Sniper-T]

Two wives having a conversation Sunday morning...

-So how was your evening Friday?
It was awful, my husband showed up late for a dinner I had spent all day preparing, gulped it down in less than 4 minutes, then after we had sex, it lasted less than 3 minutes, then rolled over and fell asleep in less than two minutes...
How about you?
Oh, for me it was Fantastic! When I got home from work my husband was already there. He invited me to the restaurant for a very romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked together for an hour. When we got home, he lighted all the candles in the house. Then the foreplay lasted an hour and we made love for another hour! Later, we talked for another hour before falling asleep. It was awesome!

At the same time the two husbands were also discussing.

-So, how was your evening Friday?

It was awesome, got home the dinner was ready, after dinner we had sex and then I fell asleep like a baby!

-How about yours?

Mine was pure hell, got home early to fix the fridge that was making noise. Blew the electrical circuit out and was never able to put it back on... Then the wife got home. Only way to not get in trouble was to take her out for dinner... The meal was so expensive that I didn't have enough money left to take a cab and had to walk all the way back home. Of course we we got home, still no power so I had to light up every single candle in the house just to be able to see something. Then she wanted to have sex, but I was so pissed off that it took me an hour just to get it up and another hour to finish it... After that, still pissed off it took me another hour to fall asleep, and she just wouldn't shut up ...

[Sniper-T]

Health Warning! Do NOT shampoo in the shower

DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!

IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!! Shampoo Warning!

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label this warning; “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Problem solved! If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!

[Sniper-T]

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
And enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
The nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going
To strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
Out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.


And from the sky comes a booming voice.


"Shit, I missed."

[Sniper-T]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country's gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[Logarius]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country's gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Awesome! Didn't see the punch line coming but it is too true!

[bacpacker]

Yep

[ElevenBravo]

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/2jElhgbl1.gif

- - - Updated - - -

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/3HZ2Lyzm1.gif

[ElevenBravo]

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/0k0qKmmr1.jpg

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/BabyOnBoard.jpg

[Sniper-T]

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

[ElevenBravo]

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/1RvL1WEu1.jpg



http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/2D6zBPNm1.jpg



http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/2fXQuL1m1.jpg

[Sniper-T]

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/carrier_zps9ad1f4fa.png (http://s605.photobucket.com/user/Sniper-T/media/carrier_zps9ad1f4fa.png.html)

:cool:

[Sniper-T]

Some people here, raise cute cuddly chickens for food...
Some raise loving fish...

I've been wracking my brain as to what I could raise, that takes minimum effort or $ outlay...

And lo and behold, whilst perusing kijiji I came across an ad:

FREE KITTENS

And the light bulb clicked on.

So I went to check them out:

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/CATS/IMG-20141019-00987_zpsd366eb43.jpg (http://s605.photobucket.com/user/Sniper-T/media/CATS/IMG-20141019-00987_zpsd366eb43.jpg.html)

I can just keep a water dish full... they can sate themselves on the mice and chipmonks around my place, and every six months or so all the females will drop a load of kittens.

Renewable food source.

How awesome is that, eh Ladyhawk???

rofl

breakfast:
http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/CATS/1019141749c_zpse97f99af.jpg (http://s605.photobucket.com/user/Sniper-T/media/CATS/1019141749c_zpse97f99af.jpg.html)

lunch:
http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/CATS/1019141751b_zpsa0c0276b.jpg (http://s605.photobucket.com/user/Sniper-T/media/CATS/1019141751b_zpsa0c0276b.jpg.html)

dinner:
http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/CATS/1019141749a_zps69088fc1.jpg (http://s605.photobucket.com/user/Sniper-T/media/CATS/1019141749a_zps69088fc1.jpg.html)

;)

[bacpacker]

Just sitting back waiting for the fur to fly!

This outta be fun

[realist]

Do they really taste like chicken??

[ElevenBravo]

Do they really taste like chicken??

http://www.bigwhiteguy.com/images/daily/fcookie.jpg

Thousands of satisfied customers cant be wrong! Tasted like chicken at the time...

[Sniper-T]

Sometimes I wonder...

"Why is that frisbee getting bigger?"

and then it hits me!

[Sniper-T]

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids, what do they need at home? 1st kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.

Johnny pops up and says: "At my house we don't need anything."

Teacher asks him to think again as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure!
When my sister started dating



I remember Dad saying, “Well, that's the last fucking thing we need."

[ElevenBravo]

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/0uANPUEn1.jpg

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/1CSK6Iin1.jpg

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/2Q0RV9Lq1.jpg

[Sniper-T]

Explain this one to mom...

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/1315849367_table_cloth_pulling_accident_zpsmbwmdu0 y.gif (http://s605.photobucket.com/user/Sniper-T/media/1315849367_table_cloth_pulling_accident_zpsmbwmdu0 y.gif.html)