Funny Side of Life

[Sniper-T]

The Manitoba Herald reports:

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party and the fact Republicans won the Senate are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50's. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said.

[bacpacker]

You can have them. No return needed.

[Sniper-T]

I wish we could send you ours!

[Caveman Survival]

Hey now sniper.... Why you gotta ship me off like that?

[Sniper-T]

No offence CS... but...
buh bye!

lol

[Sniper-T]

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73, east of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration and proof of insurance. The lady took out the documents and handed them to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed did had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something, body language, or the way she said it made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .357 magnum snub-nose in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a fucking thing !"

[Metrocruiser]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[bacpacker]

Good test

[Domeguy]

I got the last seven wrong too!

[ElevenBravo]

Not to fret Dome, I got all 9 wrong! HA HA!

[ElevenBravo]

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/022y99bo1.jpg

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/3PZUI0zq1.jpg

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/5zVDXnRn1.jpg

[Sniper-T]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box
of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist
at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?
''Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy
replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my
brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said.
"We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play
tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[ElevenBravo]

I cant keep all these to myself...

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/0zIdHXZp1.jpg

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/1CSK6Iin1.jpg

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/3eBEVLXq1.jpg

Keep liking and Ill keep posting...
EB

[Sniper-T]

I'll 'like' and 'thank' Keep it up my twisted friend, keep it up!

[Sniper-T]

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, a five-year-old boy
picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum and shatter
the peace on board the aircraft. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
From the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an
Air Force general walks slowly forward up the aisle. Stopping
the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-
spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest
whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms
down, and sits quietly as his mother fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers are relieved and grateful; they smile
and nod at the general with gestures of thanks as he slowly
makes his way back to his seat.

One of the cabin attendants approaches the general. "Excuse me,
sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words
you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and confides, "I showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained
that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door,
on any flight I choose."

[Sniper-T]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?”

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed
a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could
golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard
him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not
like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem
to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make
her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate,
shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever
measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his frigging wife."

[Sniper-T]

When a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.



'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
The girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
A reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

[ElevenBravo]

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/4jAHw7jp1.jpg

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/6e37ptcs1.jpg

http://elevenbravo.net/stupidpics/9TJdmuXq1.jpg

[Sniper-T]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.*

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.*

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.*

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"*

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

[ElevenBravo]

Feed the gators, that there was knee slapping good!!

[Sniper-T]

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BOOM!

:cool:

[Sniper-T]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2014 Ram 3500 Longhorn Longbed Dually 4X4 with a Cummins 6.7 turbo diesel engine special ordered with 3.23 rear end and exhaust brake package. It has a custom matching cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and floor mats. Six cup holders, Bluetooth, navigation, XM and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins and custom mud flaps. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[Sniper-T]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his macBook Air computer, connected it to his iphone, and surfed to a NASApage on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opened the digital photo in iPhoto and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he received an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accessed an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized Canon LaserJet printer, turned to the cowboy and said, "You have exactly
1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," said Bud.

He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on with amusement as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud said to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thought about it for a second and then said, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government", said Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .. Now give me back my dog."

[Domeguy]

A helpful guide from the Middle Ages to let you know when the church says it's OK to have sex.http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f226/gantsum/1fd128585f31ece78c7a5f64cdc8d147_zps13cfe836.jpg

[Domeguy]

My wife told me her daughters husband had her name tattooed across his chest, as forever proof of his love for her. She asked me if I would show my love for her in a gesture such as that. I told he I had already looked into it. I was going to get her name tattooed on my penis, but I had ran out of room after the second letter.:eek:

[ElevenBravo]

Daum... Just daum.

[Sniper-T]

My wife told me her daughters husband had her name tattooed across his chest, as forever proof of his love for her. She asked me if I would show my love for her in a gesture such as that. I told he I had already looked into it. I was going to get her name tattooed on my penis, but I had ran out of room after the second letter.:eek:

I ran into almost the same problem, but on the second last letter...luckily her name is Arrianna-Consuella-Samantha-Marianna-Corrina-Talia
So it didn't look like her younger, sexier, drop dead gorgeous sister, Arrianna-Consuella-Samantha-Marianna-Corrina-Talya

*whew*

[Domeguy]

Hyphens included, I'm impressed. Lucky for you there was no misspelling...that would have been a 'large' undertaking to fix

[Sniper-T]

Men are deep thinkers.



I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep
thinking.



My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.



The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she
would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that
men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other
questions.



After I thought about that, I began to think about an age old question: Is
giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?



Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I came up with the answer to that question.



Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is
the reason for my conclusion.



A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice
to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You
know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."



I rest my case. Time for another beer and more deep thinking.

[Sniper-T]

A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window, stating the following:

HELP WANTED
Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be
bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say
the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him
into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared
at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign
says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded
to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted
over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up
on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign
also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The
dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet
that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He
looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However,
I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign
and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal
Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you
have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly
and said, "Meow."

[Sniper-T]

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is
grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that
the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a
hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of
mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson,
Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will
grab whatever is available.

AND

I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit...A recent study
found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men
who mention it.

[ElevenBravo]

Then the men that mentioned it, PRICELESS!

[Sniper-T]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day
when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant
blondes.
They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne
and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a
large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are
filled and they begin toasting and chanting. 51 days,
51 days, 51 days

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks
and the chanting grows. 51 days, 51 days, 51 days.
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are
joined in raising the roof. 51 days, 51 days, 51 days.

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture
under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the
picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump
the others, they begin dancing around the table,
exchanging high fives, all the while chanting 51 days,
51 days, 51 days.

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer,
so he walks over to the table. There in the center is
a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the "Cookie Monster."

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender
asks one of the blondes. "What's all the chanting and
celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone
thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us,
so we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got
together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The
side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in
51 days'".

[Sniper-T]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZI1eeV88lQ#t=15

[Domeguy]

What do you get when you mix the Muppets with a bit of S&M?

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f226/gantsum/ad859f9629f953acf32495185cc56044_zpseca73526.jpg

[Sniper-T]

*shudder*

[Taz Baby]

Well it is nice to see you guys have kept this page up and running. I have missed you all so much.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/s526x395/10994167_714296615349637_6786740536476446889_n.jpg ?oh=bce55a76f6b4d59a747e58dbd4ca1a00&oe=5585081F&__gda__=1431439097_5fca3a5efda56d0ed314f46a97b8ec8 5

- - - Updated - - -

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ifyHen2sNF0/TSMuHxJPCSI/AAAAAAAABAA/XBy4VZfT_V0/s1600/Im_Back.jpg

[mitunnelrat]

Welcome back! Been wondering about ya.

But now...http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn165/mitunnelrat/Mobile%20Uploads/10997630_1003319106364548_8638788441240731970_n_zp ssahnfziw.jpg (http://s304.photobucket.com/user/mitunnelrat/media/Mobile%20Uploads/10997630_1003319106364548_8638788441240731970_n_zp ssahnfziw.jpg.html)

[Taz Baby]

http://www.jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Funny-adult-muppets-meme-resizecrop--.jpg

[Sniper-T]

wb Taz, missed ya kiddo!

[Taz Baby]

https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10846083_10204597454709755_3775721446008230943_n.j pg?oh=9486da5918da362cd6efc8ccf020d9bf&oe=554F9A14



SENIOR SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Sniper-T]

A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender!"
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy came in and said: "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"
The bartender said: "Why?"
"Because you're violent when you're drunk!"

[Sniper-T]

A West Virginia farm kid in the US Marines (now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training).


Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first, because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
All men got to shave but, .. it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near
300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

[Domeguy]

Your loving daughter, Alice. You got me on that one.....ROTFL

[Sniper-T]

yeah... too awesome, especially considering the truth, between country folk and city folk.

Pick your MAG group well!

[Taz Baby]

https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10929187_1075712855775958_5557771751347325008_n.jp g?oh=a4be2d5262040edb78ad394594b6d500&oe=5593E90D

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent

of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

"MEN NEVER LISTEN"

[Sniper-T]

Ouch!

[Taz Baby]

https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11026094_1592612374288000_4344775079966840250_n.jp g?oh=5db16fab49be213cc0c73ae2a20002c1&oe=5584326A

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https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11042673_742788082499180_6669367222365311825_n.jpg ?oh=b687b5294b0ed023f1ecee3a3e4236d5&oe=5593CFA1

[robsdak]

https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11042673_742788082499180_6669367222365311825_n.jpg ?oh=b687b5294b0ed023f1ecee3a3e4236d5&oe=5593CFA1

been trying this for years, i am TOO EXPENSIVE!!! nobody wants me. :p

[ElevenBravo]

Condition is stable... I laughed out loud!! :cool:

[Sniper-T]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada .

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full natural life, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass, walleye, pike, catfish, char and trout, forests full of deer, elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?".

"Not really," replied God.. "Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"

.
.
.
.
.

.......and then cometh the snowmobilers........
and God said.........( fill in the blank space )...............!!

:cool:

[Sniper-T]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.

This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Sniper-T]

I was standing at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.

"Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.

"Why? Because none of them has a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why

[Sniper-T]

I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!

[Sniper-T]

A Canadian is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it."

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story".

The guys says, "No, I was wondering if you have any bronze liberals?"

[Sniper-T]

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So, they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.


The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.


When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!
Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.


As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.


The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.


The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"


The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Baton Rouge, LA working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

[Sniper-T]

WHY OLDER MEN DON'T GET HIRED.

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Older Man: "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't really think honesty is a weakness."

Older Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

[Taz Baby]

aimed at Sniper-T https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1604932_688487584530951_366969168_n.jpg?oh=d4dfeba 4fdecf28a8008a3162973191c&oe=55B22401

[Sniper-T]

Hey!! I recognize that tree!

lol

Actually that's what we use as babysitters...

[Sniper-T]

http://www.funnymail.com/sites/funnymail.com/files/imagecache/semioriginal/dead-easter-bunny.jpeg

[Domeguy]

Above picture reminded be of a time when we lived in a duplex at Seymour Johnson AFB, and were awaken by the screams of the young boy who lived next door. Out cat had chosen of all days but Easter morning, to catch, tear apart, and eat the Easter bunny, right in clear view of the in clear view of the child's bedroom window. Welcome to maturity.

- - - Updated - - -

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f226/gantsum/1a6025e625f88b03a565134255887f45_zpsgb8iyamn.jpg

[Sniper-T]

Hillary announced her candidacy! With Obama's support!

You guys are so pooched!

[Sniper-T]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!". He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft” “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

[bacpacker]

That's a good inf8cator!


��

[Sniper-T]

so a young guy crashes his rzr out in the woods, he is unhurt but the rzr is toast... so he tries walking back to town but its much further than he thought.

its getting dark and just as hes about to collapse he finds an old farm house. an old farmer comes to the door and he asks "please sir, i just crashed in the woods, and i cant walk another step! can i please use your phone?"

the old man says "aint got no phone. but i tell you what i can do, i got some food and water fer ya, and you can stay the night in the spare room, in the mornin' ill drive ya into town."

"oh my gosh, thank you so much sir! how can i ever repay you?"

"you dont owe me nuthin! just stay outta that next room there, thats my daughters room!" now the old farmer is nobody's fool so he grabs all the eggs from the chicken pen and puts them all around his daughters doorway...

well we all know what happens next and the guy and girl are staring at a bunch of busted eggs wondering what to do. so they quickly clean everything up and glue all the eggs back together!

in the morning the farmer walks into his daughters room, looks at the eggs and thinking they seem a bit off pick one up and cracks it open "what the hell!" he yells and stomps of to get his shotgun...

"no daddy please!" the girl exclaimed "DONT..."

"Dont what?" he muttered and continued on his way...

hearing all of this the guy is desperately looking for a way out! as he bolts down the stairs and toward the front door he runs right into the old man, gun cocked and mad as a hornet! naturally he's terrified! knees shaking, eyes watering and frozen stiff!

the farmer sees him and asks "the hell u think ur doin boy?? you know whos house this is?"

the man is racking his brain for something, anything to say when the farmer just pushes him aside and stomps outside! "my god! what is he doing now?? he has something even worse in store for me"

knowing theres no escape he seriously debates just begging the old man to shoot him. and right then he hears:

BOOM "damn rooster's shootin blanks!!"

[Sniper-T]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....
followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch......

Naked.

[Sniper-T]

A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big **** who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.


AMEN!

- - - Updated - - -

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted
her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and
floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first
rose was from him.
"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse.
She assisted me in the surgery and understoodperfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[bacpacker]

Wonder if that's where obummer got his???

[Sniper-T]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too ! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,




-
-
-
-
-
-
" What's for dinner, Zorro ?"

[Sniper-T]

So these two doctors are in the hall complaining about nurse Jenny, about how she gets everything backwards.
The 1st doc says, " I told her to give 2 percs every 8 hours...she gave 8 percs every 2 hours"

The other doctor says, "that's nothing, I told her to give 1 enema every 24 hours, she tried giving 24 enemas in 1 hour, the guy nearly blew up!"

All of a sudden there was a blood curdling scream, as they ran down the hall, the 1st doctor realized he told nurse Jenny to prick Mr.Jones' boil.

[Sniper-T]

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose
lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. On the same day, month and
year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully, they attended their respective parochial schools from
kindergarten through their Senior years in high school. They took their
vows to enter the priesthood early in their college days, and upon
graduation became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal
was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the
present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become
the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less
time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney, and the
world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and
secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated, because even with all
Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that
shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with
them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy"?

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio
and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could
not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being
called............

Are you ready for this??...........

Pope Secola.

[jamesneuen]

Took me forever to figure that one out...... not as easy if you arent hearing it out loud I think....

[Sniper-T]

lol... yep, gotta sound it out! lol

[ElevenBravo]

A Texas Ranger attends a gala event, soon after arriving a young lady approaches him and ask "Ranger, why did you bring your 45 to the event?" He says "Ma'am, I always have my side arm with me." She ask "Why, are you expecting trouble?"



















"No ma'am, if I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun too!"

[Sniper-T]

Am truly perplexed that so many people are against another mosque being built. I think it should be the goal of every person to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.
Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque,
thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ",
and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that
an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ",
with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ",
its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side an off-licence called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us,
so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others."

Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by sharing this on

[ElevenBravo]

I would like to frequent several of those shops... I love pork too!

[Sniper-T]

A Baptist Preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Born Again Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.

[Sniper-T]

http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aepOpQm_460s.jpg

[Sniper-T]

I soooo gotta try this:

http://cdn.fishki.net/upload/post/201508/06/1620182/b5edcef4fe9947e5ae7a293ef225b9a0.jpg

[Sniper-T]

I am going to hell...

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/can-you-spare-just-2-dollars.jpg

[Domeguy]

I just sent in my $2, can't wait to get the video!
And yes, I'll meet you there!

[ElevenBravo]

Ill give $4, I wanna watch it twice!

[Sniper-T]

This putz is in the running for our Federal election...

https://www.qzzr.com/quiz/90e0ba41-2c4a-4cc2-b7b6-ff5363593693/fi9xdWl6emVzLzEwMzIyMQ

[Sniper-T]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Sniper-T]

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband
is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the
room or calms down.

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth
shut that does the trick".

[Sniper-T]

http://i59.tinypic.com/14tmsg1.jpg

[Sniper-T]

http://www.thethingswesay.com/img/7565.jpg

[Sniper-T]

RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND...



I found this timely, because today

I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.

A young lady walks over to me and asks, "what brings you in today?"

I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?



I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.

I can't afford one.

So I'm wearing my garage door opener.



You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before

I realized that people didn't like me anyway.



I was thinking that women should put pictures

of missing husbands on beer cans!



I was thinking about old age and decided that old age

is when you still have something on the ball

but you are just too tired to bounce it.



I thought about making a fitness movie for

folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.



When people see a cat's litter box they always say,

'Oh, have you got a cat?'

Just once I want to say,

'No, it's for company!'



Employment application blanks always ask

who is to be called in case of an emergency.

I think you should write,“An ambulance”.



I was thinking about how people seem to read the

Bible a whole lot more as they get older.

Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.



Birds of a feather flock together and then potty on your car.



The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because

by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.



The easiest way to find something lost

around the house is to buy a replacement.



Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.



The sole purpose of a child's middle name

is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..



Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words

'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'



Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when

you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.



You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.



Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.



Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me.

I want people to know 'WHY' I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and

some of the roads weren't paved.



Lord, “PLEASE” Keep your arm around my

shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

[Sniper-T]

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

"I'd take half and leave you," she says.

"Great," he says.

"Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday!
Stay in touch".

[Sniper-T]

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 40,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: "Go look in the garage."

[Sniper-T]

I was eating lunch on the 20th of

February with my 10-year-old

Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day

is tomorrow?";

She said "It's President's Day!"




She is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about

Washington or Lincoln .... etc.




She replied, "President's Day is when

President Obama steps out of

the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have

one more year of unemployment."

[Sniper-T]

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi??


The people in Dubai don't really like The Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi doooooooo

[Sniper-T]

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/dumpaday-funny-pictures-3726_zpsmxl0bats.jpg (http://s605.photobucket.com/user/Sniper-T/media/dumpaday-funny-pictures-3726_zpsmxl0bats.jpg.html)

[Sniper-T]

didn't know where else to put this, and it seemed appropriate to be here

Looking for another nonlethal way to take down suspects, the Anderson Police Department decided to go the way of the dragon.

The police force in the Northern California town of about 10,000 people plans to equip its 20 officers with nunchakus, also known as nunchucks.

Basically, they’re what martial arts legend Bruce Lee used – besides his fists of fury and feet -- to take down all those bad guys in his movies.

The police department was looking for a versatile tool that would limit injuries to officers and the people they detained – but that would still be an effective means of subduing an unruly suspect. Anderson’s top brass decided nunchakus were the way to go, said Sgt. Casey Day.

“It gives us the ability to control a suspect instead of striking them,” he said.

Of course, if you’ve watched enough Lee movies you’ll notice that he didn’t use nunchakus to pacify his enemies. He beat them up with them. But Anderson police insist they can detain someone with them in a relatively peaceful way.

http://latimes-graphics-media.s3.amazonaws.com/assets/img/nunchucks-batons/la-me-weapon-baton-strike.png
http://latimes-graphics-media.s3.amazonaws.com/assets/img/nunchucks-batons/la-me-weapon-nunchucks-strike.png

http://latimes-graphics-media.s3.amazonaws.com/assets/img/nunchucks-batons/la-me-weapon-baton-kick.png
http://latimes-graphics-media.s3.amazonaws.com/assets/img/nunchucks-batons/la-me-weapon-nunchucks-kick.png

Day was recently certified to train the department’s officers on the proper use of the nunchakus. He wants officers to have another option besides the baton, a traditional impact weapon. Officers won’t be required to use nunchakus, he said. But if officers decide to use them, they must pass a 16-hour training program.

Day, a 15-year police veteran, said he has given up his baton for nunchakus.

“I see the value and the safety they bring to me,” he said, adding that nunchakus provide a distance between an officer and a suspect.

Sure, he was skeptical at first, Day said. But once he used the nunchakus, he was sold.

The pincher-style nunchakus became popular in the police community in the 1980s, said Greg Meyer, a use-of-force expert and former Los Angeles Police Department training captain. Anaheim, San Diego and the LAPD are just some of the agencies that have used them– at least for a while.

Some law enforcement agencies stopped using nunchakus when officers improperly used them -- in some cases resulting in broken wrists, he said.

In 1991, the LAPD agreed to stop using nunchakus at protests– a decision sparked by a federal lawsuit filed by anti-abortion activists.

The department opted to settle the lawsuit following the March 3 beating of Rodney G. King, which happened that same year. At the time, Deputy City Atty. Jack Brown, who was representing the LAPD, said the department was concerned about the public perception over using nunchakus to subdue people.

Day hasn’t used his nunchakus, but is confident he will use them properly.

“I don’t go around looking for trouble,” he said.

Neither did Bruce Lee.

[Sniper-T]

http://latimes-graphics-media.s3.amazonaws.com/assets/img/nunchucks-batons/la-me-weapon-baton-defend.png
http://latimes-graphics-media.s3.amazonaws.com/assets/img/nunchucks-batons/la-me-weapon-nunchucks-defend.png

[realist]

I do not think it will last long. San Diego Police Department issued nunchucks to its people during the 1970's. They do work great if you want to practice with them, most cops do not want to practice if they can get away with it. In the first year they had a bunch of crooks with broken bones. It is the Detain Suspect clip is where they would snap a bone real fast.

[Sniper-T]

Just burned 2000 calories.
That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

[realist]

Hat off, head bowed and I am in morning for your brownies, nothing worse then wasting good brownies..........no more naps.

[Sniper-T]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.’ The girl looked at him and then said, ‘NO.'
Eddie said, ‘I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down.’
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The ******* had all quarters!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[Domeguy]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.’ The girl looked at him and then said, ‘NO.'
Eddie said, ‘I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.

He won't even be able to get his pants down.’
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The ******* had all quarters!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

HEY...no fair giving away my secrets. Now they are gonna catch on quicker.

[Domeguy]

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f226/gantsum/b48727b6ef757e7842e3bbaa958fafbf_zpslgfcfwli.jpg

If only it wasn't true!

[Sniper-T]

As I was driving home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends' lives and what's happening in Paris, Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Justin, Trump, CBC News, the downgrading of our military, 25,000 Syrian refugees, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity, I saw a yard sign that said:


NEED HELP?

CALL JESUS

1-800-555-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number...





A Mexican showed up with a snow blower.

[jamesneuen]

http://poorlydrawnlines.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/apocalypse_253.png


The only thing I am unprepared for.......

[Domeguy]

http://poorlydrawnlines.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/apocalypse_253.png


The only thing I am unprepared for.......

That's probably the only one I am prepped fo!

[Domeguy]

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f226/gantsum/Mobile%20Uploads/2015-12/F3D55C2A-D117-4891-A6C8-D97CE2904DD2_zpss0itmrrp.jpg (http://s48.photobucket.com/user/gantsum/media/Mobile%20Uploads/2015-12/F3D55C2A-D117-4891-A6C8-D97CE2904DD2_zpss0itmrrp.jpg.html)

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http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f226/gantsum/Mobile%20Uploads/2015-12/A5FE980D-9A74-47FC-8F4A-D9FCB7BF67D1_zpshrpg6bkt.png (http://s48.photobucket.com/user/gantsum/media/Mobile%20Uploads/2015-12/A5FE980D-9A74-47FC-8F4A-D9FCB7BF67D1_zpshrpg6bkt.png.html)

[Sniper-T]

I could be that researcher. lol

[realist]

How did you know what I did not get for my birthday and where was that camera..........uh.......that was a drawing oh never mind..........

[Sniper-T]

http://mahi-mahi.com/images/covers/tethercat.jpg

[Sniper-T]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/78/c6/55/78c6552f50539267ac4e79eff3dcb1b2.jpg

[piranha2]

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina where he visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word tragedy.

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stood up and offered “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Obama. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well,” says Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss… and you can bet your ass it wouldn’t be an accident either!”

[Sniper-T]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Lanny. So they loaded up the minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the
weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

BUT!! - About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to
figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Lanny and asked, "Do you remember the widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Lanny.

"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Lanny said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Lanny's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

[Sniper-T]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDIBmTtT3Ro

[Sniper-T]

http://i.imgur.com/F0cu6Th.gif

[Sniper-T]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MUN2pt1KJB0/UWPBhNGMXVI/AAAAAAAA1MI/X-yHQ665-Xw/s1600/1.gif

[bacpacker]

Now could show that video from the apposite angle? ��

[Sniper-T]

It would earn me an infraction... but probably worth it!

lol

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xla1/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/12512824_1035989023143455_4143027859502222401_n.jp g?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=3eb23810e062c9e2dff4460fddf097f5&oe=56FCF53A

[realist]

Oh your gona go to hell for that one.

[Sniper-T]

http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/ayd7PM8_700b_v2.jpg

[Sniper-T]

http://i.imgur.com/gGVvkZx.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/apv588M_460s.jpg

[Sniper-T]

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/cool-lunchbox-fridge-human-organ-transplant_zpsiobwpp6b.jpg (http://s605.photobucket.com/user/Sniper-T/media/cool-lunchbox-fridge-human-organ-transplant_zpsiobwpp6b.jpg.html)

[Domeguy]

I had a guy I worked with years ago that had a similar lunch box, but on the side it read it was used for transporting fresh horse semen. He never had anyone steal his lunch!

[Sniper-T]

http://sircolby.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Tiger_Tail.jpg

[Sniper-T]

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?
Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother
who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor.

[Domeguy]

RED NECK VASECTOMY

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f226/gantsum/Mobile%20Uploads/2016-02/C3EB876B-C090-4B9B-A5EB-5FCEF51E3E2D_zpsmtglbpam.jpg (http://s48.photobucket.com/user/gantsum/media/Mobile%20Uploads/2016-02/C3EB876B-C090-4B9B-A5EB-5FCEF51E3E2D_zpsmtglbpam.jpg.html)

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http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f226/gantsum/Mobile%20Uploads/2016-02/0FE27133-AF33-4859-9480-DA254A0303D0_zpsns1qhnjd.jpg (http://s48.photobucket.com/user/gantsum/media/Mobile%20Uploads/2016-02/0FE27133-AF33-4859-9480-DA254A0303D0_zpsns1qhnjd.jpg.html)

[Domeguy]

...and this just in to our news room, traffic is backed up for miles on the main hi way, as one large vehicle has rear ended into another...massive explosions and a large bit of noise was heard for miles away. Said one bystander...I felt the earth shake.

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f226/gantsum/Mobile%20Uploads/2016-02/9C735BF3-8183-43B5-BD76-EBF605EC5785_zpsovsrku9q.jpg (http://s48.photobucket.com/user/gantsum/media/Mobile%20Uploads/2016-02/9C735BF3-8183-43B5-BD76-EBF605EC5785_zpsovsrku9q.jpg.html)

[Sniper-T]

A distressed but very attractive woman stood at the edge of a cliff, trying
to get up the nerve to jump. A passing hobo stopped and asked, "Since
you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

> The woman said "Get away from me you sicko!"

> The bum turned and, as he was leaving, he muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom.???

[Sniper-T]

Not a joke, but really should be, as I can't stop chuckling at the unfortunate names of these games. I'm thinking they must have been created in simpler times.

1. The Hooping Cornhole game:

https://www.lehmans.com/p-5190-hooping-corn-hole-game.aspx

2. The Pop Cornhole Game:

https://www.lehmans.com/p-5190-hooping-corn-hole-game.aspx

[Sniper-T]

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx22/marshal8820/tasty_zpswakm63me.jpg (http://s738.photobucket.com/user/marshal8820/media/tasty_zpswakm63me.jpg.html)

- - - Updated - - -

http://i63.tinypic.com/4jp4pl.jpg

[AlphaTea]

If that is a selfie in a mirror, why arn't the words backwards?

[Sniper-T]

Reversing mirror!

Probably photo shopped, but I don't really care, I just like the message.

[ElevenBravo]

You simply do a horizontal flip and its all readable again.

[RedJohn]

You simply do a horizontal flip and its all readable again.
Yeah, easy to do, but did you notice it before he mentioned it? Because, I didn't!!

[Sniper-T]

it also may not be a selfie, perhaps he is simply posing with his phone and his mommy took the picture.

lol

and no, I didn't think of it either.

[ElevenBravo]

Ive been doing photoshop, digital photography and video for over 15 years... I noticed it right away.

[Sniper-T]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRlBtabKRFM

[Stg1swret]

Someone must have visited Sicily. Been there, brought my own.

[Domeguy]

Rustic weave...lmao...now that was funny.

[realist]

That is John Wayne toilet paper, rough and tough and doesn't take shit of anyone.

[Sniper-T]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

[bacpacker]

Dolly, Dolly, she's the best. She's got mountian's on her chest.

Why does Dolly have such skinny legs? Nothing grows in the shade.

How can you recognize Dolly's kids? They are the ones with stretch marks on their lips.

[Sniper-T]

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...

[Sniper-T]

I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?”
So I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help where I can.

[Sniper-T]

Bill Clinton Jogging

Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was
most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
"See what you get for five bucks!?"