Funny Side of Life [Archive] - SHTF Ready - Survival, Disaster and Emergency Readiness Forum

Evolver

03-07-2012, 11:51 PM

Ok here is a good one!

In war times a guy went to the local recruiting agency and said that he wanted in the infantry.
When asked why he said... "I have a tremendous desire to kill people".
They took him in and issued him the newest latest and greatest weapon... a 5' long deadly sick. (so he wouldn't kill friendly's)
He went through boot camp and was tough how to use it like a surgeons scalpel... Point it and udder the words... Stick-a-dee stick stick stick. He grew to be a well trained killing machine.

He was sent to the front line.
In his foxhole an attacker came at him.
He held up his weapon and uddered... Stich-a-dee stick stick stick.
The attacker dropped dead in his tracks.
This happen several of times and every time the attacker dropped dead... until...
An attacker came a marching (a semi slow steady march with clinched fists and no weapon)
The holder of the mighty stick raised his stick and shouted... Stick-a-dee stick stick stick!!!
Nothen.
Again... Stick-a-dee stick stick stick!!!
Still the guy didn't drop.
This proceeded until the unarmed guy with clinched fists ran right over the top of him (squishing him flat).
The last thing the holder of the stick heard off in the distance was a soft repetitive rumble... Tank-a-dee Tank Tank Tank.

Taz Baby

03-08-2012, 03:29 AM

Poor little stick stick he got turned into kindling.

Taz Baby

03-25-2012, 12:52 AM

Talking Dog

http://i1049.photobucket.com/albums/s395/Taz-Baby/557450_2865610281928_1309914239_32250878_205004064 0_n.jpg

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign
in front of a broken-down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner appears to tell him the
dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice
looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.After the guy recovers from the shock of
hearing a dog talk, he asks "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told
the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping."I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed
up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings
and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a bull shitter and a liar. He's never been out of the yard!!!

Evolver

03-25-2012, 06:50 PM

^^^ Hahahaha.

Evolver

03-25-2012, 06:58 PM

Three little ducks go into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.
"Huey," he replies.
"How's your day been Huey?"
Great. In and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" says Huey.
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender.
He turns to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," is the reply.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asks.
"In and out of puddles all day myself. Great day. What more could a duck want?"
The bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles.":o

Sniper-T

03-26-2012, 11:57 AM

The cow, the ant and the old fart

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own
weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

Taz Baby

03-26-2012, 01:18 PM

Old fart said, " I eat the cow and kill the ants That why I am the greatest of you all".

Taz Baby

03-28-2012, 03:32 AM

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/542187_255257301233415_145878642171282_562153_8011 10980_n.jpg

Taz Baby

03-28-2012, 03:44 AM

http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/558252_286847381389311_126894987384552_660063_1639 872815_n.jpg

Taz Baby

03-29-2012, 09:50 AM

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/301833_354053671303536_140811055961133_951120_1468 188645_n.jpg

Taz Baby

03-29-2012, 09:53 AM

I agree 100% on this one.

http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/521826_353699658005604_140811055961133_949598_8580 83636_n.jpg

Taz Baby

03-30-2012, 02:33 AM

http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/429664_191435257628639_118031484969017_286347_1271 18873_n.jpg

Taz Baby

03-30-2012, 05:47 PM

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s320x320/398259_298146046923788_227945653943828_752766_5959 76943_n.jpg

Taz Baby

03-31-2012, 12:35 PM

Towards the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I've outlived the bitches.'

Taz Baby

04-01-2012, 04:31 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QToIzw7Fk&feature=related

Taz Baby

04-01-2012, 04:52 AM

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/541880_376131925751709_130810663617171_1224951_574 957043_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-02-2012, 09:46 PM

http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/425368_256875081050702_211651848906359_599301_1705 641025_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-02-2012, 09:49 PM

This is the only thing that duct tape can't fix

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/431795_256874994384044_211651848906359_599299_1783 47962_n.jpg

bacpacker

04-03-2012, 12:39 AM

My absolute favorite Ron White sayin, "You can't fix STUPID". I love it.

Taz Baby

04-03-2012, 01:02 AM

http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/524368_10150643710712945_153850792944_9362238_1979 635116_n.jpg

Evolver

04-03-2012, 01:38 AM

http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/524368_10150643710712945_153850792944_9362238_1979 635116_n.jpg

You Too Huh? :o For me it's... should I go for a kosher pickle, cottage cheese or a yogurt? :o

BTW every time I see this thread title pop up I instantly think of Monty Python... here is one of my favo clips...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH39nI8ZerQ&feature=fvst

Next one is...

Evolver

04-03-2012, 01:39 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grbSQ6O6kbs

Taz Baby

04-03-2012, 02:09 AM

THIS WAS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.....THE ANSWERS WERE ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE....I REMEMBERED, BUT ............

I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun, my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'older kids'! The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! answer them first.....

01.After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02.When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.

03'Get your kicks, __________________.'

04.'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.'

05.'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'

07.Nestle's makes the very best . .. . . _________ ______.'

08..Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09.What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________.. '

11.Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.

13.In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.

14..We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the __ ______________.

ANSWERS :

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop

Katrina

04-03-2012, 04:12 AM

I think I just figured out I am old. Got all of them correct AND I did not look at the answers!

Sniper-T

04-03-2012, 11:21 AM

13/15. yup I'm old too

Sniper-T

04-03-2012, 11:52 AM

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c247/littlepurpleraindrops/Humourous%20Pics/270191_10150227312858951_553788950_7584461_7115186 _n.jpg

Grumpy Old Man

04-03-2012, 05:12 PM

15/15! But everyone knows I'm old.

Some favorite phrases from my misspent youth:

A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty "Hi Ho Silver" Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear. The Lone Ranger rides again!

What time is it kids? It's Howdy Doody Time!!

Romper bomper stomper boo! (Romper Room with Miss Arlene, the original)

Three alternating Sunday night westerns: Maverick, Cheyenne, Sugarfoot

Josh Randall (Steve McQueen) in "Wanted: Dead or Alive"

And the original tear jerker game show "Queen for a Day"

GunnerMax

04-03-2012, 06:51 PM

I got 9 of those. But I grew up watching TV Land

IDTANDY

04-03-2012, 06:53 PM

Crabby Appleton
Mister moose
Mister greenjeans
Tom terriffic and mighty manfred the wonder dog
;)

Katrina

04-03-2012, 07:31 PM

Mighty Mouse RULES!!!

IDTANDY

04-03-2012, 07:53 PM

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity…

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8 . Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!
'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Its Called ....... therapy

bacpacker

04-03-2012, 10:13 PM

I got 14/15. I knew who Satchmo was, but could not remember his name. That was a good list.

Grumpy Old Man

04-03-2012, 10:21 PM

^IDTANDY, that's good. And I'll mention that Bob Keeshan played in both of the children's shows we alluded to- Captain Kangaroo and Howdy Doody.

He was in the Marine Corps. When he got out he worked at NBC where he portrayed Clarabelle the Clown on Howdy Doody. In 1955, he created Captain Kangaroo, where he taught us tykes of the '50s manners and deportment in a gentle way. He won 6 Emmys, 3 Peabodys and was elected to the Clown Hall of Fame. He died in 2004 in Vermont. All of this courtesy of the IMDb.

I miss him and Hugh Brannum (Mister Green Jeans).

bacpacker

04-03-2012, 10:27 PM

I watched Captin Kangaroo most every day growing up. Mighty mouse was one of my favorite cartoons, along with Bugs Bunny.

IDTANDY

04-03-2012, 10:44 PM

Taz Baby

04-04-2012, 12:36 AM

I watched Captin Kangaroo most every day growing up. Mighty mouse was one of my favorite cartoons, along with Bugs Bunny.

Don't forget underdog

bacpacker

04-04-2012, 12:39 AM

And George of the Jungle.

Taz Baby

04-04-2012, 12:47 AM

My bed has gone from quietly calling my name to counting to three..not sure what it's gonna do when it gets to three, but I don't think I want to find out.

15 hrs is to long and we have to do that for the next 2 weeks, ugh.

Sniper-T

04-05-2012, 12:55 PM

Bernie Goldberg is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate
her fortieth birthday.

He asks her, "So what would you like for your birthday, Julie? A Jaguar? A
sable coat? A diamond necklace?".

She replies: "Bernie, I want a Divorce."

He says: "I wasn't planning on spending That much."

Sniper-T

04-05-2012, 01:00 PM

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked: "Will I get away with it? ? "

carly

04-05-2012, 03:31 PM

An Irish man walks into a pub & the bartender asks him what he wants to drink.
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold but you don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye out and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man thanks the bartender and says, "Thank you for your concern but that isn't why I order three at a time. You see, I have two brothers, one is in Australia and one is in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just liketo say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, my brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

IDTANDY

04-05-2012, 04:14 PM

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all
over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

bacpacker

04-05-2012, 05:10 PM

That a good one ID. I need to try that with my boss.

Taz Baby

04-06-2012, 04:14 AM

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?.. ''Yes," was his incredulous reply.. She answered,. 'Well, today I didn't do it. :)

Grumpy Old Man

04-06-2012, 04:40 PM

An elderly lady went to the doctor to get advice on reviving her husbands libido. The doctor gave her a prescription for Viagra. She said " Oh no! This won't work! My husband won't take pills of any kind."

"Well," the doctor said, "why don't you put it in his coffee? It will dissolve and he will never taste it."

The elderly lady came back in a week to see the doctor. "Well?" he asked. "How was it?"

"It was awful. Just awful," she cried.

"The sex?" queried the doctor.

"No. That was the best sex I've had in 30 years!" she replied.

"Then what was so awful?"

"Well, I put the viagra in his coffee like you told me. Then he stood up, tore off my clothes and had me right there on the table!" she replied.

"Well what's so awful about that?" asked the doctor.

"I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!" the elderly woman replied.

IDTANDY

04-06-2012, 05:04 PM

Taz Baby

04-06-2012, 05:42 PM

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to
be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God..'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing
the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas'
instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when
someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your
hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces
veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an
American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe
and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and
raised your kids to do the same.
Some of you are so old you don't have elders to respect.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to
a friend.

You might be a redneck if: You believe in God & Jesus

and believe that others have the right to believe in which

ever God they believe in as long as their God does not

tell them to kill anyone who does not believe the same

as they do!!!!!
Keep the home fire burning, redneck friend.

God Bless the USA !

http://f1123.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f62035%5fALwaiWIAAAQLTuA8dw2GXD1ml ME&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailClassic

Taz Baby

04-07-2012, 12:06 AM

Write a caption.

Wow what a day!!!
http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/554248_2557246708830_1783879658_1521949_1591370573 _n.jpg

bacpacker

04-07-2012, 02:37 AM

Trade you a binky for a pillow.

Taz Baby

04-07-2012, 05:43 AM

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/525242_304509399622201_127583850648091_747548_1730 30452_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-07-2012, 05:49 AM

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/544934_304063389666802_127583850648091_746516_6560 20172_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-07-2012, 11:33 PM

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
http://f1123.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f36787%5fAJgaiWIAARF%2bTG59UQVPZUd YGRw&pid=2.2&fid=important%2520stuff&inline=1&appid=YahooMailClassic

"I don't think my python weally gives a shit."

Taz Baby

04-08-2012, 08:30 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rynvewVe21Y

Taz Baby

04-08-2012, 08:41 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=WK2LpUoqX6A&vq=medium

Taz Baby

04-09-2012, 03:32 PM

See kid, I can do it too.

http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/374140_276761462409433_165779253507655_613892_3151 74865_n.jpg

Sniper-T

04-09-2012, 03:44 PM

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/304134_138226416277493_135433713223430_139604_1128 592610_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-09-2012, 03:57 PM

This is a security mat

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/389771_276168972468682_165779253507655_612026_1063 223339_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-10-2012, 02:14 PM

http://sayingsfunny.com/funny-sayings/funny10.jpg

Taz Baby

04-10-2012, 02:16 PM

http://www.jokes-24.com/en/images/upload/35686_funny_pic_men.jpg

IDTANDY

04-10-2012, 08:11 PM

One to ponder.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder a bout those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM.'

Grumpy Old Man

04-10-2012, 09:03 PM

Remember the Texas Aggie Motto: If you can't dazzle them with technology, baffle them with bullshit!

And always remember; Murphy was an optimist!

Katrina

04-11-2012, 03:22 AM

Never talk to the parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rottweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

IDTANDY

04-11-2012, 03:48 AM

http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/1433/toofunnyd.jpg

Taz Baby

04-13-2012, 01:10 AM

At exactly 12:00am

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/306293_10150725857358605_337541338604_9547293_9899 75092_n.jpg

Now who's with me?

AlphaTea

04-13-2012, 03:24 AM

The heck with the underwear

Katrina

04-13-2012, 05:49 AM

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

Evolver

04-13-2012, 10:25 PM

My buddy posted this on a different site and I thought that I would share it here.

This was actually done in the streets of Belguim.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OIJRMqYAA0

izzyscout21

04-13-2012, 10:35 PM

rotflmao

ladyhk13

04-13-2012, 10:41 PM

Thanks Evolver....only in Europe - in the U.S. someone would have pulled out a REAL gun and "helped" out!!!!

izzyscout21

04-13-2012, 10:51 PM

Thanks Evolver....only in Europe - in the U.S. someone would have pulled out a REAL gun and "helped" out!!!!

I think the best action I could have taken would have been to take cover. There was no sure way to figure out who were the "bad guys". Be a good witness.

Evolver

04-13-2012, 11:06 PM

If this button was in Ireland I don't think it would have ever gotten pushed. :p Nobody would dare to see what would happen.

Taz Baby

04-14-2012, 11:23 AM

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/428295_388390047845577_100000237564015_1489623_274 705300_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-14-2012, 11:24 AM

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/485211_431401963540071_268038566543079_1809023_180 1303678_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-15-2012, 02:50 AM

Aren't I pretty now? I put your lipstick on all by myself

http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/422710_351758171530490_184388464934129_1026520_174 2278868_n.jpg

Katrina

04-15-2012, 03:00 AM

ROTFLMAO!! Evolver that is hilarious!!

Gunfixr

04-15-2012, 07:10 PM

I know Captain Kangaroo was back several pages.
As I recall, didn't he earn several big time commendations for valor in combat or something?
As I thought I'd heard, he was a real bad-ass.
Of course, you wouldn't have known it watching the show.

Taz Baby

04-15-2012, 07:30 PM

As good as it sounds that he was a war hero. true be known he was not. here is sopme reading on that note.

Officials Disclaim Myth Of Capt. Kangaroo As War Hero - Sun Sentinel (http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2004-02-05/news/0402050108_1_iwo-jima-bob-keeshan-captain-kangaroo)

Captain Kangaroo and Lee Marvin - War Buddies? - Urban Legends (http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bl-marvin-keeshan.htm)

izzyscout21

04-15-2012, 09:20 PM

Mr Rogers was not either, while we are on that note.

Taz Baby

04-15-2012, 11:48 PM

Any divers out there? if so then you can relate

http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/530181_310117392392529_204152432989026_790143_1280 312870_n.jpg

Evolver

04-16-2012, 01:17 AM

Shit happens... Take a look at this poor girl going to fetish convention after she ate Mexican food while wearing latex.

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRupPbsMxgrucmKWLLaseffwa5YormlR 5YUVmwfkr4VpnA_183s_Rn28d97

IDTANDY

04-16-2012, 01:37 AM

http://img12.imageshack.us/img12/5682/shithappensr.jpg

IDTANDY

04-16-2012, 01:40 AM

:eek:

http://img838.imageshack.us/img838/1954/shith.jpg

Taz Baby

04-17-2012, 01:23 AM

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/523032_10150734368508605_337541338604_9575123_4566 37730_n.jpg

IDTANDY

04-17-2012, 01:40 AM

http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/7569/wakeupc.jpg

Katrina

04-17-2012, 04:52 AM

Dogs and Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

IDTANDY

04-17-2012, 05:18 AM

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

Taz Baby

04-17-2012, 01:26 PM

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/385048_199165840166421_100002190199366_424707_1468 403255_n.jpg

IDTANDY

04-17-2012, 01:34 PM

Too funny.

Taz Baby

04-17-2012, 04:42 PM

Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Taz Baby

04-17-2012, 04:45 PM

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Taz Baby

04-17-2012, 04:47 PM

Redneck Joke
How to Know where a Driver is from

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California

With gun in lap:
L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

Grumpy Old Man

04-17-2012, 04:49 PM

The teacher assigned her fifth grade class to bring a symbol of their religion and explain it. The following day, all the children excitedly showed up ready to display symbols of their faith. Little Maria was first; she stood up and said " this is my rosary. I'm Catholic and we use this to pray Our Fathers and Hail Mary's". Next Reuben stood up and said " This is my Mezuzah. I'm Jewish and we are commanded to inscribe the words of God on our lintels". This went on with Jared showing his Book of Mormon, Rajah showing his Upanishad, Nyugen showing his Buddha and Bubba waving his copperhead. Finally it was Edgar Schmidt's turn. He stood up, thrust a corningware covered dish forward and proudly said, "I'm a Lutheran and this is my casserole!"

Grumpy Old Man

04-17-2012, 04:52 PM

How many Anglicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. One to call the electrician, one to mix the martinis and one to talk about how good the old light bulb was. (This is a very popular one in my men's group as it pretty much mirrors our monthly workdays)

Taz Baby

04-19-2012, 01:03 AM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/392429_278308198924784_160411127381159_648054_1088 849266_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-19-2012, 01:15 AM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/576595_278201578935446_160411127381159_647827_1058 730850_n.jpg

mitunnelrat

04-19-2012, 02:29 AM

[B]

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

Neither do we Taz, but that doesn't make it any less fun ;)

izzyscout21

04-19-2012, 02:49 AM

Neither do we Taz, but that doesn't make it any less fun ;)

I can't help it. I have a bowel disease that often produces uncontrollable rancid farts.

Every one of them makes me grin.

Taz Baby

04-19-2012, 05:13 AM

beans beans the musical fruit.... well you know that song. I love beans and can create a band all by myself.

Taz Baby

04-19-2012, 02:37 PM

Why My Liberal Neighbors Aren’t Speaking To Me Anymore

April 18, 2012

I recently asked my neighbors’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, are liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’
http://www.ijreview.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/hippy2.png

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’
Her parents beamed with pride.
’Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.‘
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ’ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ‘
I said, ‘Welcome to Conservatism.’
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

bacpacker

04-19-2012, 02:44 PM

Taz that is msot fantastic. A great explanation indeed.

Sniper-T

04-19-2012, 02:54 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Grumpy Old Man

04-19-2012, 04:29 PM

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

Sniper-T

04-19-2012, 05:36 PM

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , he? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

Grumpy Old Man

04-19-2012, 07:01 PM

^^^^^^Newfy logic!

Sniper-T

04-19-2012, 07:27 PM

More Newfy humour:

A Ukrainian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Ukie. He's never lost a match,
because of this pretzel hold he has. So, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!!
If he does, you're finished!!"

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Newfie and the Ukrainian circled each other several times,
looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Ukie lunged grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't bare to watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Ukrainian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked:
"How the hell did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered:
"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment,
I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles, right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and
bit those babies just as hard as I could!"

The trainer exclaimed:
"So, THAT'S what finished him off!"

"Not really" replied the Newfie

"You'd be amazed how strong you get, when you bite your own nuts!

Taz Baby

04-20-2012, 12:47 PM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/539056_1961556814534_1711250708_939926_292746556_n .jpg

Taz Baby

04-20-2012, 12:53 PM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/537288_3551693436349_1393040829_3354060_772039954_ n.jpg

Sniper-T

04-20-2012, 01:17 PM

See how ya'll make out with this one...

Many are familiar with the 'Windtalkers' of WW2; the American's use of the Navaho language as unbreakable codes in the Pacific. Less known are the FishTalkers of Canada, native Newfoundlanders who had the same duty as radio and radar operatives during the Blitz. The Germans could not for the life of them break any of the codes; below is an example of communications between two towers staffed with FishTalkers.

Tower 1: Contact, East-Nor-East. Confirm?
Tower 2: M R Ducks.
Tower 1: M R Knot.
Tower 2: O S A R. C D E D B D Wings?
Tower 1: Whale oil beef hooked. M R Ducks.

Grumpy Old Man

04-20-2012, 04:25 PM

M R snakes
L M N O snakes
O S A R snakes C D B D I's
L I B M R snakes

IDTANDY

04-20-2012, 08:24 PM

http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/6718/froglegless.jpg

Taz Baby

04-22-2012, 12:48 PM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/559740_419606934735432_205344452828349_1513065_102 5408118_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-22-2012, 02:15 PM

a brain teaser. Look really hard and tell what you see. list 1 thru 8. I will give you a hint. no. 6 is Bert and Ernie

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/531820_410631152299677_205344452828349_1485274_798 233008_n.jpg

Taz Baby

04-22-2012, 02:28 PM

Here is the link to find the answers to the lego's. Just hover over the red lego with your arrow and it will come up

LEGO – Imagine by Jung von Matt | THEINSPIRATION.COM l THIS IS WH (http://www.theinspiration.com/2012/03/lego-imagine-by-jung-von-matt/)

Sniper-T

04-22-2012, 03:26 PM

#1 is the Simpsons

Taz Baby

04-22-2012, 03:30 PM

For the men who's wife loves shoe's, find this store for her to shop at

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/533070_291794867564330_164272333649918_627720_2107 593446_n.jpg

Sniper-T

04-22-2012, 03:56 PM

^
I printed that one for the Mrs...

Love it!

mitunnelrat

04-22-2012, 07:12 PM

1. Simpsons
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
3. South Park
4. Smurfs
5. ?
6. Answered as clue
7. Donald Duck and his nephews
8. ?

Taz Baby

04-23-2012, 02:51 AM

You got those right MTR, I did too but I have never heard of the other one's so I didn't get them either.

Katrina

04-23-2012, 03:49 AM

What the ????
Owner of Perfect House Lives in Car
September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA
In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads. Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I'm willing to pay it
I wonder if he's a blond???

Taz Baby

04-23-2012, 04:52 AM

Taz Baby

04-24-2012, 02:54 AM

Some pics of some really bad idea's

Why Men Die First (http://www.rense.com/general95/whymen.html)

http://www.rense.com/WhyMenDieFirst_files/a_002.jpg

Katrina

04-24-2012, 04:41 AM

No It didn't name the paper it came out of

I would like to read the story on that one. Do you have a link? Haven't heard about that.

IDTANDY

04-24-2012, 05:22 AM

Some pics of some really bad idea's

Why Men Die First (http://www.rense.com/general95/whymen.html)

http://www.rense.com/WhyMenDieFirst_files/a_002.jpg

Stupid is as stupid does.

bacpacker

04-24-2012, 09:23 AM

Helps thin the gene pool.

Sniper-T

04-24-2012, 11:00 AM

Some pics of some really bad idea's

Why Men Die First (http://www.rense.com/general95/whymen.html)

http://www.rense.com/WhyMenDieFirst_files/a_002.jpg

Technically... the bottom of the ladder is braced in a secure manner, the top of the ladder as well, so aside from the angle being slightly off, seems pretty secure.

Granted, he should have a safety harness/fall arrestor, but that is actually quite reminiscent of how I had the ladder propped up on the stairs when I was doing the cathedral ceiling in my house. Although, the wife did cringe everytime she saw me on it. hmmm. maybe there is something to this...

lol

Taz Baby

04-24-2012, 11:25 AM

Click on the link and see the other pics, they will make you laugh and cringe as well.

Sniper-T

04-24-2012, 12:02 PM

I don't know if it is funny, or sad... But her dad must be so proud!

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/weird-people-wtf-tp05.jpg

Foulball

04-24-2012, 01:27 PM

http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/engrish-funny-switzerland-has-a-cross-on-his-flag-and-netherlands-has-the-right-colors.jpg

Foulball

04-24-2012, 07:04 PM

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/funny-facebook-fails-math-troll1.gif

Foulball

04-24-2012, 08:39 PM

Okay, last two...I promise....

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/funny-facebook-fails-new-product-idea.jpg

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/funny-facebook-fails-skeletor2.jpg

Taz Baby

04-25-2012, 01:41 AM

I don't know if it is funny, or sad... But her dad must be so proud!

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/weird-people-wtf-tp05.jpg

And to think that in this world there are people who think that is sexy and pretty. Looks to me they should spend their money on other things.

Grumpy Old Man

04-25-2012, 11:24 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgDw7_L82kU

Grumpy Old Man

04-25-2012, 11:25 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71MQeTcANoY&feature=related

Katrina

04-26-2012, 03:57 AM

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

IDTANDY

04-26-2012, 04:26 AM

Almost choked

Katrina

04-26-2012, 04:40 AM

Sorry !!

Sniper-T

04-27-2012, 06:47 PM

http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/556074_10150700313749007_533334006_9288666_1214424 613_n.jpg

Twitchy

04-27-2012, 07:06 PM

I don't know if it is funny, or sad... But her dad must be so proud!

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/weird-people-wtf-tp05.jpg

Indescribable...

My Contribution...

http://velecore.com/garrett/19550423.jpg

Grumpy Old Man

04-27-2012, 07:18 PM

I don't know if it is funny, or sad... But her dad must be so proud!

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/weird-people-wtf-tp05.jpg

This seems appropriate.

http://i1219.photobucket.com/albums/dd421/GrumpyOldMan53/funny-dog-pictures-stupid-magnitude.jpg

ladyhk13

05-01-2012, 01:39 AM

^She must really hate her parents. Would love to see a pic of her in 30 years!!! The joke is on her!

Sniper-T

05-01-2012, 11:39 AM

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i61/helengab11/MissAitch/hodgepodge%20pix/kawa-hot-bath.jpg

Foulball

05-01-2012, 01:20 PM

A friend of mine just told me about a conversation he and his nosy neighbor had last night. Here it is:

Them "Chewing tobacco is a disgusting habit, you'll get cancer, blah blah blah"
My Buddy "My Grandfather lived to be 105 years old"
Them "And he chewed tobacco?"
My Buddy " No, he minded his own F$&@ing business"
Usually shuts them up, feel free to use it next time somebody is ear hustlin or up in your business.

--

Taz Baby

05-02-2012, 01:27 PM

This is not a funny thing but I thought it was worth sharing.

A sweet lesson on patience.

A NYC Taxi driver wrote:

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

bacpacker

05-02-2012, 01:54 PM

Great post Taz. Thanks

Grumpy Old Man

05-02-2012, 08:49 PM

I seem to have gotten some cement dust in my eyes while reading that.....

Sniper-T

05-03-2012, 04:19 PM

decoration for the saloons Bathroom?

http://www.damnlol.com/pics/522/69de496a3c9f93c2d83874b7c1b3f678.jpg

Sniper-T

05-03-2012, 05:24 PM

http://i1169.photobucket.com/albums/r519/bob_64/funny%20pic/205319d1335748595-funny-strange-random-pics-539986_394337793931440_100000656672273_1223673_210 2653969_n.jpg

Sniper-T

05-07-2012, 12:00 PM

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?

" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Sniper-T

05-09-2012, 04:10 PM

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/4071027_460s.jpg

bacpacker

05-09-2012, 04:53 PM

And who's your daddy?

Grumpy Old Man

05-09-2012, 10:38 PM

Olga Svenson worked in a bait shop in Ely, Minnesota. She worked hard every day and was generally considered the authority on what bait was best on every local lake. Olga wasn't a teetotaler but she didn't frequent the bars either. One summer day it was so hot Olga thought to herself "I ort to go down to da bar fer one a dem ice cold beers". And down to the local watering hole she went. Olga walked in, sat down and waited for the bartender. The barkeep walked up and asked "what can I get for you ma'am?" Olga replied, "I'd like one a dem ice cold beers". To which the barkeep asked,"Anhueser Busch?" Olga replied ,"it's fine. Anhowsyer pecker?"

Sniper-T

05-10-2012, 04:59 PM

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/4131982_460s.jpg

IDTANDY

05-10-2012, 07:24 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ffwDYo00Q

Sniper-T

05-10-2012, 09:33 PM

^ bwahahahaha

Sniper-T

05-11-2012, 12:02 PM

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/s720x720/522311_3052736442392_1382700736_32177935_112138172 7_n.jpg

Sniper-T

05-14-2012, 03:59 PM

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/4167281_460s.jpg

Sniper-T

05-15-2012, 01:42 PM

http://i.imgur.com/MS5F2.png

bacpacker

05-15-2012, 06:53 PM

She was a hooters girl? NOT!

bacpacker

05-16-2012, 12:46 AM

Here's one a buddy of mine showed me tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

Sniper-T

05-16-2012, 03:23 PM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/380328_449808815048577_205344452828349_100680053_2 059928935_n.jpg

Grumpy Old Man

05-16-2012, 05:49 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ctIWPIhvs&feature=related

Grumpy Old Man

05-16-2012, 10:13 PM

for Sniper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sekLEG8xsOs&feature=relmfu

Grumpy Old Man

05-23-2012, 09:41 PM

There is a thread on worm farming up in the food and water forum and rather than be a wiseass up there, I'm going to do it down here.

My family were worm ranchers in Okrahoma before the Great Depression. As a young boy I would listen to my Grampa's stories of the worm roundups in the olden days. They had a very large worm herd until the great drought of '07. They would herd the worms to the railhead in Abilene KS every year to send to market back east where the worms were sold to rich sportsmen in New York City at Zombiecrombie and Filch. The cowboys and shepherds looked down on my folks for being worm ranchers and called them things like slimeboys and squirmwranglers. They also thought the worms grazed the grass roots too low and didn't leave enough for them. It all came to a head when a fatal brawl broke out in a saloon leaving my great uncle Ann (short for Annelid) writhing on the floor before expiring.

Well, being as the wormers were outnumbered in town uncle Ann's death was ruled self-defense. This really made my great grandfather angry that his brother's life would be treated as if he were just a worm!! So, he wired the buyer at Zombiecrombie and Filch and asked for advice on what to do about the situation. The buyer directed him to a law firm whose Principal Partner was and avid fisherman and would only use g grandpa's worms. So g grandpa came to New York to see Louis Dewey of the law firm Dewey, Cheetum and Howe. Louis Dewey told my g grandpa Crawell "Red" Wiggler he would take the case pro bono if Red would give him a lifetime supply of worms. My g grandpa promised he would and so he and Louis Dewey went back to Kansas to pursue justice.

To make a long story short, Louis Dewey won a judgement in Crawell's favor, but with the stipulation that Crawell never drive his worms to Abilene again. Now this put g grandpa Crawell in a world of compost. He couldn't get the worms he promised to Louis Dewey to New York. So Crawell talked it over with g grandma Nema and they decided to deed the worm ranch, which had been in g grandma Nema's family-the Todes, for many years. So my g grandparents deeded the old family ranch, The Knight Ranch, to Louis Dewey to honor their promise. Louis Dewey moved to Okrahoma to take up the life of a gentleman worm rancher. In time he became the biggest worm rancher in the US, to the point where he trademarked his own special breed of worm that he named in my g grandpa's honor, the craweller. He kept the original name of the ranch, so these genetically superior worms were known as Knight crawellers. He had that market cornered for many years until a flood washed his worms off the ranch where they bred in the wild and spread all over the country. Louis Dewey was wiped out when he no longer had the corner on the worm market and died from tapeworms.

Eventually the true story of the Knight Craweller was forgotten, and these huge worms were simply known as night crawlers. Just some of my family history.

Evolver

05-23-2012, 10:16 PM

Here's one a buddy of mine showed me tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

Bravo!

Evolver

05-23-2012, 10:33 PM

Laughter is defiantly good for the soul! :)

Sniper-T

05-28-2012, 12:11 PM

A grandfather, who was visiting his granddaughter in Manitoba, watched her playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Grandpa, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her grandfather replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'a Daddy Longlegs,' her grandfather answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,
'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and
stomped them flat.
“Well", she said, "that may be OK in Toronto, but we're not having any of that shit in Manitoba ”

Echo2

05-28-2012, 10:34 PM

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/542925_368405356553567_100001523179111_1030910_437 493019_n.jpg

Echo2

05-29-2012, 12:42 AM

http://i374.photobucket.com/albums/oo181/shadow_walker44/DADD.jpg

Echo2

05-29-2012, 12:44 AM

http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p217/zwvirtual/ar15%20photos/552925_10151726499850368_886030367_24278194_294750 738_n.jpg

piranha2

05-29-2012, 12:44 AM

http://i374.photobucket.com/albums/oo181/shadow_walker44/DADD.jpg

Amen, my brother.

Echo2

05-29-2012, 12:54 AM

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/daily-morning-awesomeness-247.jpg?w=500&h=447

Echo2

05-29-2012, 12:56 AM

http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b182/allusakid/Forum%20Stuffs/1284746732649.gif

Echo2

05-29-2012, 12:57 AM

http://www.lostrepublic.us/Graphics/Mayday%20wants%20more%20government.jpg

Echo2

05-29-2012, 01:27 AM

http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs46/f/2009/195/8/5/Hwo_to_Handle_a_Baby_by_jc024.jpg

IDTANDY

05-29-2012, 07:39 PM

http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/4563/babyoil.jpg

Echo2

05-31-2012, 10:44 AM

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4cj09BXvK1r3tczko1_500.jpg

Sniper-T

06-01-2012, 12:09 PM

http://i812.photobucket.com/albums/zz50/billt460/USAvsRussia.jpg

bacpacker

06-01-2012, 12:49 PM

One of those maanly women?

Grumpy Old Man

06-01-2012, 05:06 PM

http://i1219.photobucket.com/albums/dd421/GrumpyOldMan53/DMP45.jpg

http://i1219.photobucket.com/albums/dd421/GrumpyOldMan53/WORKFORMILK.jpg

Katrina

06-02-2012, 05:37 AM

Taz, (re:taxi driver)Sitting here with tears in my eyes Thank you for reminding me there are good people out there.

Echo2

06-02-2012, 12:06 PM

http://i.imgur.com/nGnCH.gif

Echo2

06-02-2012, 12:08 PM

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b265/bytor94/532684_339404156130519_204152432989.jpg

Echo2

06-02-2012, 12:15 PM

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/monday-dars-36.jpg

Echo2

06-02-2012, 12:20 PM

http://i.imgur.com/i7AHt.jpg

Echo2

06-02-2012, 12:25 PM

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a188/gcpd19/securedownload.jpg

Echo2

06-02-2012, 12:38 PM

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff35/kemays/cartoons/securedownload.jpg

bacpacker

06-02-2012, 03:49 PM

God help us!

Sniper-T

06-04-2012, 11:30 AM

Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young couple.

The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to abstain from having sex for two weeks."

"No problem," said all three couples.

Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.

"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."

The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in this church, don't you?"

The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home Depot anymore, either."

Sniper-T

06-04-2012, 05:28 PM

I cant stop watching this one...

http://i1068.photobucket.com/albums/u451/mr6k8t3r/funny_gif_animation15.gif

Echo2

06-04-2012, 06:39 PM

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/06/04/article-2154283-136ED7F3000005DC-412_634x412.jpg

Echo2

06-04-2012, 10:39 PM

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/06/04/article-2154283-136EC5F7000005DC-624_634x454.jpg

Echo2

06-04-2012, 10:41 PM

Cats away! Artist turns his dead pet into flying helicopter after it is killed by a car | Mail Online (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2154283/Cats-away-Artist-turns-dead-pet-flying-helicopter-killed-car.html#ixzz1wng5QHVV)

IDTANDY

06-05-2012, 12:33 AM

Kind if sick in a way but ................................the 102nd use for a dead cat.

http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/3271/deadcat1.jpg

Sniper-T

06-05-2012, 10:23 AM

http://i942.photobucket.com/albums/ad269/NewBeginnings2/Funny/an6-1.gif

Sniper-T

06-05-2012, 10:26 AM

http://img.ifcdn.com/images/d6d85235f7c1c60483d767fb266a8ae58ccc6e18_1.jpg

IDTANDY

06-09-2012, 12:13 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4vf8N6GpdM

Evolver

06-09-2012, 12:44 AM

Now that was unsuspected. LOL I guess I'm a Jew too.

IDTANDY

06-09-2012, 02:03 AM

Inglourious Basterds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jL3634H2S-Q&feature=related

Grumpy Old Man

06-19-2012, 12:09 AM

eagle326

06-19-2012, 12:59 AM

Grumpy ; You are the all seeing oracle and wizard behind the curtain.

All Hail The One ; The Only!!!!!!! MAXIMUS GRUMPUS!!!!!!! :D :cool:

Echo2

06-19-2012, 01:50 AM

That about sums it up....:)

Sniper-T

06-19-2012, 03:43 PM

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighbourhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $100?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ." A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money.

"You finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's an Audi."

piranha2

06-19-2012, 10:43 PM

Now that one is funny.............

izzyscout21

06-20-2012, 12:38 AM

Sniper-T

06-20-2012, 11:50 AM

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2012/6/19/8e32941e-8d2d-47d0-b8cb-aa28205c1a79_thumb.jpg

Sniper-T

06-20-2012, 01:59 PM

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .

While they were there, thewife passed away . The undertaker told the

husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or

we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 . The husband thought

about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back

home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to

have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial

here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied,

"Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days

later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

IDTANDY

06-20-2012, 03:38 PM

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss allover your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Sniper-T

06-21-2012, 11:13 AM

http://img.izismile.com/img/img4/20110722/640/military_humor_part_3_640_33.jpg

Grumpy Old Man

06-21-2012, 07:35 PM

I've been traveling outside in the cyberspace world of Prepping/Survival and I've learned:

1) The AK-15 is Better tha the AR-47

2) You're an idiot if you don't buy gold

3) You're an idiot if you do buy gold

4) The world is ending 12/21/2012 because the Mayans said so.

5) you need at least 5000 rounds of ammo for every gun you own

6) The Leatherman is the greatest thing since the wheel

7) The NWO is in place we just aren't aware of it.

8) The Illuminati put the Mayans up to it

9) Canada is a Mythical Realm where the fallen heroes go to feast and fish

10) If you don't have Mountain House foods to last a year, you aren't prepared

11) If you have Mountain House foods to last a year you still aren't prepared

12) You can make a kayak out of bamboo and duct tape

13) Unless your BOV is a (insert brand loyalty here) you will most likely not survive and if you do it will be a miracle!

14) You can't survive in CA,NY,CT,OR,ID,MT,MO,AL,MS,FL,TN.................. .you get the idea

15) The only state you can survive in is TN,CO,ID..........see 14 above

16) Glocks are best

17) 1911s are best

18) Bear Grylls is nothing short of a superhero

19) Bear Grylls is an idiot that drinks his own urine, preferably with a gin chaser

20) James Wesley, Rowles has the inside track on preparedness

21) James Wesley, Rowles is just out to sell books

22) If you don't have all the tactical gear currently available you are woefully unprepared

23) If a rifle isn't black, it can hardly be considered adequate

24) The Mayans are pissed that people are buying all the gold so they will destroy the world on 12/21/2012

As I run across more of these pearls of wisdom I will share them for our mutual benefit

As promised:

1) The Mayans were bad at math, the correct date is 11/6/2012 (This upsets my prep timeline)

2) George Takei is marching in a LGBT parade in New York to protest the BSA anti-gay policy. (Seriously this was on a main board in a prepping forum)

3) Silver is tanking today

4) Silver is not tanking today

5) Porn is the main reason the internet advances

6) The British Army is being issued a new SAW

7) It isn't really a new SAW-it's a dressed up 240B

8) Oh yes it is a new SAW

9)The speck bite is on in the Gulf off of the MS coast (thought Stig might want to know about that)

10) Planet X is going to align with something and we're all going to be in deep kimchee

11) Planet X is really Niburu and giants prophesied this event

12) Bath salts are turning otherwise normal homeless people into zombies

13) Krav Naga (?) is the ultimate martial art

14) There will not be Martial Law

15) There will, however, be Marshall Law (I think that's Jude Law's older brother)

16) The best plants to grow for chicken feed are corn, wheat and oats in that order! (I'll have to check with BP on that one)

17) Anyone that believes the "you-can-starve-to-death-eating -only-rabbits" myth is a fool

18) Anyone who eats only rabbits deserves to starve to death

19) Trayvon and Zimmerman, need I say more?

20) Raiders after SHTF, how will you recognize them? (Hint: they'll be playing in LA in silver and black uniforms)

21) FEMA camps..........draw your own conclusions (just commenting on the amount of bandwidth that topic takes up.)

22) And my personal favorite "What's wrong with Socialism"

Be careful outside the Colony folks! You can't tell what the hysteria of the day is elsewhere!

Echo2

06-21-2012, 10:15 PM

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Echo2

06-21-2012, 10:32 PM

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

bacpacker

06-22-2012, 01:44 AM

Whoops

Echo2

06-22-2012, 10:35 AM

The SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program)/Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed The Animals." They say that this is because the animals may grow dependent on handouts and not learn to take care of themselves.

Grumpy Old Man

06-22-2012, 10:11 PM

An elderly gentleman was swinging on the front porch when his granddaughter asked him what he was doing.

"Nothing" he replied.

"what did you do yesterday?" she asked.

"Nothing" he replied.

"Why are you doing nothing again today?" she queried.

"Because I didn't get done yesterday"

IDTANDY

06-23-2012, 12:15 AM

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Sniper-T

06-25-2012, 06:38 PM

http://forgifs.com/gallery/d/202420-1/Harassment-role-reversal-smack-dat.gif?

Sniper-T

06-26-2012, 12:14 PM

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/whitelines.gif

IDTANDY

06-26-2012, 03:26 PM

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/whitelines.gif

Spewed coffee.....................;)

Grumpy Old Man

06-26-2012, 04:37 PM

Kittens: not just for dinner anymore! ROFLMAO!

Sniper-T

06-26-2012, 05:33 PM

http://www.shortarmguy.com/PoliceHumorJune12b.jpg

IDTANDY

06-26-2012, 06:04 PM

http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/2025/fukittol.jpg

Sniper-T

06-26-2012, 06:53 PM

Kittens: not just for dinner anymore! ROFLMAO!

but it is still their primary purpose!

http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g100/helenkrs/MCHY%20stuff/cat-food-2.jpg

Sniper-T

06-27-2012, 02:52 PM

http://i.imgur.com/ZS23R.jpg

- - - Updated - - -

http://cdn.thesocialnerd.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/big_bad_wolf_kool_aid_man_team_up.jpg

Sniper-T

07-03-2012, 05:34 PM

http://www.officehell.co.uk/uploads/items/images/The-One-and-Only-Child-1488.JPG

Sniper-T

07-06-2012, 11:19 AM

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with holy water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!"

Sniper-T

07-06-2012, 06:17 PM

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/4696952_460s.jpg

Echo2

07-06-2012, 10:34 PM

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/4696952_460s.jpg

That's thinking outside the bottle.....:)

Taz Baby

07-07-2012, 02:12 PM

https://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/548053_464163736928898_1975590576_n.jpg

Echo2

07-10-2012, 01:41 AM

http://i.imgur.com/Av1nw.jpg

apssbc

07-10-2012, 01:57 AM

So Im walking through Macomb Mall with the Fiancee. Were discussing the importance of keeping your head on a swivel and why I will only walk with her on my left side (So I can draw faster). As were talking I scan to the right and notice the gaggle of Old Navy manikens. Apparently I had a little stutter step, she looks at me and goes...

"I know what youre thinkin."
"Whats that?" I asked
"You want a pile of old manikens to shoot at."
"Damn I love you baby! You read my mind...they wouldnt last long but would be great target practice." Was my reply.

So I looked on line...there not economical to shoot at :(

mitunnelrat

07-10-2012, 02:12 AM

LOL! That made me laugh all on its own, but it also jogged a memory.

A buddy and I discussed taking one to a small town late one night, in our marked security van. We were going to lay it out, take batons to it, and when we were sure we'd attracted some attention shoot it once. Load it, and drive off.

The idea was scrapped for obvious reasons, but it was a funny discussion.

apssbc

07-10-2012, 02:26 AM

That would be so funny...probably best you scrapped the idea though.

I looked on google they are expensive and wouldnt last long or through multiple engagements. I wouldnt mind once getting a group of them for some practice.

mitunnelrat

07-10-2012, 02:30 AM

I saw some reactive zombie targets that 3D torsos in a cheaperthandirt catalog. Might something like that work if its cheaper?

apssbc

07-10-2012, 02:36 AM

If its cheaper it ma be worth it. Many mannequins in the 50-100 price range...most have nor arms or legs. Many dont have heads... so no zombie practice. Not cost effective.

Echo2

07-10-2012, 10:16 AM

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQR1EMCQRh-nZsUS34tuqOmWeGqJA7WK_FpDedK7J-GzDEKtf0q

Tactical Ted...

Sniper-T

07-10-2012, 05:43 PM

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully. Be really careful what you purchase on eBay. I spent $50 on a penis enlarger.
bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

DarkLight

07-10-2012, 07:15 PM

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully. Be really careful what you purchase on eBay. I spent $50 on a penis enlarger.
bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

What! You said you had a sense of humor and had some medical issues in the PM. Like I'm going to send you the Swedish Vacu-pump 2000 when you've already said it's not your bag (baby).

Echo2

07-10-2012, 10:23 PM

https://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/426822_4214566199774_981248149_n.jpg

Twitchy

07-10-2012, 10:45 PM

https://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/426822_4214566199774_981248149_n.jpg

If you did that, my hat is off to you!

IDTANDY

07-11-2012, 10:47 PM

http://img837.imageshack.us/img837/4226/teach.jpg

Sniper-T

07-12-2012, 11:05 AM

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Montana . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.