Christmas humor Thread. Post the holiday humor here!

[izzyscout21]

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

would like an X - Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *



Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus***

* *




Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *



Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been

on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *



Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys

and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,

my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T - Bone

* *



Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G - banger wannabe? "He sees

you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your

shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll

all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you

asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *



Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *



Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

[Sniper-T]

here's one for Izzy...

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/santa-1.jpg

[prepguide]

Great stuff. Thanks for sharing

[Sniper-T]

http://i772.photobucket.com/albums/yy1/ladyloxly/holidays/Christmas/funny-snowman-dog.gif

http://i772.photobucket.com/albums/yy1/ladyloxly/holidays/Christmas/funny-christmas-card-santa-gets-a-f-1.jpg

http://i772.photobucket.com/albums/yy1/ladyloxly/holidays/Christmas/Christmas_funny.jpg

[izzyscout21]

This notice is to advise S. Clause (aka K. Kringle, St. Nick) that legal action is being considered regarding lack of contractual performance.
Plaintiff charges that S. Clause has failed to comply with the terms of a verbal contract made approximately forty-five (45) years ago when plaintiff was seven (7) years of age. Plaintiff states S. Clause, or an agent or representative acting on the behalf of S. Clause, agreed to deliver one (1) live specimen of any of several types or breeds of horse that are small in physical size when fully grown, referred to commonly as a “pony”, as well as any implied materials, tools, and accessories necessary for the care, maintenance, or enjoyment of delivered specimen.
In consideration plaintiff agreed to provide a level of personal conduct well above accepted social standards for a continuous, yet unspecified, period of time. Plaintiff states that no specimen has been delivered, even though plaintiff has complied with the terms of the verbal agreement within socially acceptable variances.
Plaintiff would agree to non-partisan arbitration of original agreement if S. Clause will produce and deliver one (1) copy, either printed hard copy, compact disc, or USB drive of a list compiled by S. Clause, or an agent or representative of S. Claus, which identifies other third parties documented to be of personal demeanor and social behavior commonly referred to as either naughty or nice. Plaintiff further agrees that delivered list may be edited to include only documentation of females known to be of a personal demeanor and social behavior commonly referred to as naughty, and residing within Plaintiff's county of residence and adjacent counties. The list, and any further inquiries, may be hand delivered, mailed, emailed or faxed to Plaintiff within a period not to exceed thirty (30) days.

[Sniper-T]

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e211/MKRM1977NY/Christmas/1085690223-1.jpg

[Sniper-T]

What I hate about X-Mas, is how much everything costs...

http://i212.photobucket.com/albums/cc260/vivi990_photos/Funny%20Stuff/xmas.jpg

deer, or is it dear?

lol

[mitunnelrat]

(Legal Version)
Author Unknown

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain
improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of
stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and
around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/
St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were
located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations,
i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited
to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in
said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as
"I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the
second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained
period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of
headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a
certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of
the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the
cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of
wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle") being
pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8)
reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the
previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the
approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal
co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder
and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is
further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been
involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle
was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or
nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or
implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the
chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue
from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the
aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what
appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances
and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor
children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts.
(Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the
applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus
touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of
the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as
"lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House,
the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry
Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

[4suchatimeasthis]

Can't Wrap This!


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=463169410385398

[Sniper-T]

might be too big, I tried to post it for you, but it came up the same way for me

here's the link though...

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=463169410385398

[mitunnelrat]

lol!

[4suchatimeasthis]

Odd, it plays for me just fine, lol. And, the one you intially posted played too....so it might be on your end. Regardless, now my 4 yr old is dancing with MC Hammer, lol.

[Sniper-T]

And today... it works.

http://i122.photobucket.com/albums/o242/phjusmc17/dani_xmas.gif

[Sniper-T]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast
as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa
even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy
bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider
and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug,
and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of
the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it
open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Sniper-T]

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt140/Sniper-T/SANTA.gif

[Sniper-T]

http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g264/PaulBach/ClipArt/Humor/RedneckXmasSleight.jpg

[Sniper-T]

https://fbstatic-a.akamaihd.net/rsrc.php/v1/y2/r/5l8_EVv_jyW.swf?v=10200160141432643&ev=0

[msomnipotent]

We start a fire in our fireplace the other day, and all the smoke poured into our family room instead of up the flue. The damper was open, but something was blocked somewhere. I say, "Ugh, I hope there isn't a dead animal stuck in the chimney." and immediately my daughter starts panicking. "What if it is SANTAAAAA!!!!"

[Grumpy Old Man]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kJ8kE5Kf3g

- - - Updated - - -


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kJ8kE5Kf3g

[mitunnelrat]

http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn165/mitunnelrat/711415_556078427754677_108875627_n_zpsaf595678.jpg

[piranha2]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out... Heaven only knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh,one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Metrocruiser]

Whew!!

I finally got the tree up hon!!

http://www.rivotech.com/bronco/xmas.jpg

[piranha2]

Is that the coconut flavored one?

[msomnipotent]

Whew!!

I finally got the tree up hon!!

http://www.rivotech.com/bronco/xmas.jpg

Those stupid back scratchers are a medical necessity for me, and I can't find them anywhere anymore. They all have those stupid wheels on the handles now, and my fingers get pinched. To add insult to itchiness, very time I see one, the Family Guy episode where Peter sells butt scratchers at the stadium compels me to yell, "Buttscratchers!!??" And now my poor, innocent little daughter does it, too. Damn you, Family Guy!

[RedJohn]

Those stupid back scratchers are a medical necessity for me, and I can't find them anywhere anymore. They all have those stupid wheels on the handles now, and my fingers get pinched. To add insult to itchiness, very time I see one, the Family Guy episode where Peter sells butt scratchers at the stadium compels me to yell, "Buttscratchers!!??" And now my poor, innocent little daughter does it, too. Damn you, Family Guy!

I used one like on the picture for a long time (removed the wheels), and then I discovered the bath brush. I got one for the shower and one for when I need to scratch my back. it is pure heaven.

[Sniper-T]

^yep!