Funny Side of Life

[Sniper-T]

Madam Devereaux opened the brothel door in New Orleans and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.


The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.


The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied," New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your$15,000 inheritance."

[Sniper-T]

Two wives having a conversation Sunday morning...

-So how was your evening Friday?
It was awful, my husband showed up late for a dinner I had spent all day preparing, gulped it down in less than 4 minutes, then after we had sex, it lasted less than 3 minutes, then rolled over and fell asleep in less than two minutes...
How about you?
Oh, for me it was Fantastic! When I got home from work my husband was already there. He invited me to the restaurant for a very romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked together for an hour. When we got home, he lighted all the candles in the house. Then the foreplay lasted an hour and we made love for another hour! Later, we talked for another hour before falling asleep. It was awesome!

At the same time the two husbands were also discussing.

-So, how was your evening Friday?

It was awesome, got home the dinner was ready, after dinner we had sex and then I fell asleep like a baby!

-How about yours?

Mine was pure hell, got home early to fix the fridge that was making noise. Blew the electrical circuit out and was never able to put it back on... Then the wife got home. Only way to not get in trouble was to take her out for dinner... The meal was so expensive that I didn't have enough money left to take a cab and had to walk all the way back home. Of course we we got home, still no power so I had to light up every single candle in the house just to be able to see something. Then she wanted to have sex, but I was so pissed off that it took me an hour just to get it up and another hour to finish it... After that, still pissed off it took me another hour to fall asleep, and she just wouldn't shut up ...

[Sniper-T]

Health Warning! Do NOT shampoo in the shower

DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!

IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!! Shampoo Warning!

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label this warning; “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Problem solved! If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!

[Sniper-T]

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
And enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
The nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going
To strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
Out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.


And from the sky comes a booming voice.


"Shit, I missed."

[Sniper-T]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country's gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[Logarius]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country's gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Awesome! Didn't see the punch line coming but it is too true!

[bacpacker]

Yep

[ElevenBravo]

- - - Updated - - -

[ElevenBravo]

[Sniper-T]

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."