We all have seen them. They're everywhere. This is the place to post pics of those rare Mall Ninja SIghtings
We all have seen them. They're everywhere. This is the place to post pics of those rare Mall Ninja SIghtings
WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to but not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.
I am about to define and describe the ancient and mysterious traditions of the rare mall ninja. Not to be confused with "nylon ninjas", or "keyboard commandos", these elite members of society are prepared to engage a foreign or domestic enemy at a moment's notice. Many are in training but only a few make it.
Definition
m-aal nin-jAH : An inexperienced (or even sometimes experienced), over-enthusiastic weapon owner (usually firearm), who's primary modus operandi (that's mall ninja talk) includes dressing and equipping for combat in an otherwise peaceful urban environment. The mall ninja can often be found carrying more than one weapon of the same type, handcuffs (although legally unable to perform an arrest), wearing ballistic vests or tactical gear while performing mundane daily tasks such as mowing the lawn.
Characteristics
Sex: Primarily males
Age: Teens to 40's
Race/Ethnicity: Primarily caucasian
Body Type: Often overweight, sporting a gut, however the occasional athletic mall ninja can be spotted and may be harder to identify until spoken to.
Marital Status: Often Single/Virgin but more increasingly Married/Neglected
Hair: Short to Long
Extracurricular Activities: Posing for pictures to post online, weaving tales of heroism and danger, bragging, spurts of exercise, watching war movies for 'tactics', watching the tv show "Cops", buying a foregrip or laser for their DPMS AR-15 or pistol, worrying more about how deadly they look than about the car that is about to run them over.
Notes: Often are adament about a particular brand of gun or knife, camo, nylon etc., they will get into intense debates with anyone who says otherwise. "Fatal funnel", "tactical", "assault", "high-risk", and "hostiles" are all common vernacular. Mall ninjas publicly decry violence but secretly dream of getting into fights because they always win. They often walk around looking for a trigger event that could spark another bloodfest of which they will come out the sole victor while occasionally saving a beautiful [single] young woman. Mall ninjas prepare for "active shooter" scenarios to demonstrate their combat evasion rolls like they do while playing Counter Strike or Call of Duty. Carrying more than one blade or flashlight is not uncommon.
Most mall ninjas will brag about their skills (even if they have none), and their desire to join the Navy SEALs, SWAT, or a "sniper team" but they can't cause they were injured or too deadly. They often talk about the very fact they are carrying a weapon or show it off. Sometimes they will stretch or turn just so you get a glimpse of their "cold steel". Statements such as "stay here, let me check it out", "don't worry, I am armed", or "you are safe now, I have a gun" usually precede a public incident. It is believed that mall ninjas practice in their bathroom mirrors quick-drawing a knife, gun, or one in each hand. It has yet to be proven, but is most likely true. Some species attempt to "dual wield" but usually suck twice as badly as they did with one weapon.
Philosophies
a. "Two guns are better than one, but three is best"
b. "If it's got rails, slap a laser on it"
c. "It's not tactical if it's not black"
d. "Morale patches make the outfit"
e. "Unused PALS webbing = unprepared"
f. "More bandoliers the better"
g. "Threats over the internet are just as valid as face to face"
h. "DVD training = combat experience"
i. "Safety training? Who needs that? This is war!"
j. "You never know when you might need a pair of handcuffs"
k. "When possible, pack a sword"
l. "More mags = more kills"
m. "The chicks dig it"
n. "Watch this!"
o. "A story repeated, is another moment of glory"
p. "Less than lethal is just that - less"
q. "Why go around, when you can go over"
r. "I'm not supposed to talk about it"
s. "The bigger the knife, the better at knife-fighting"
Heroes
1. Chuck Norris
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
3. Rambo
4.Bruce Willis
5. The A-Team
6. Paul Blart
7. Jean-Claude VanDamme
8. Tony Jaa
9. Arnold Schwarzenegger
10. John Wayne
Habitats
1. Their mother's house/basement
2. Their computer
3. The mall
4. Paint ball / Airsoft events
5. Gun shows
6. Gun ranges
7. Gun stores
8. Knife shows
9. Military battle reenactments
10. Any public place where a random fire fight, with multiple hostiles, may break out
Cinematic Tributes
1. Mall Cop
2. Observe & Report
Be on the look out for
- camo pajamas
- thigh holsters
- boot blousing
- a desert eagle when a 1911 would suffice
- pistol bayonets
- tactical .22 rifles
- shotgun heat shields
- "breach" style muzzle brakes
- subscription to "Soldier of Fortune" magazine
- ball caps that say "SWAT"
- calling magazines "clips"
- airsoft guns
- Punisher stickers on a gun
- bragging about having a CCW
Words/Phrases Often Associated With Mall Ninjas
1. "Show off"
2. "Tacticool"
3. "Dork"
4. "Virgin"
5. "Public Nuisance"
6. "Harmless"
7. "Just In Case"
8. "Cosplay"
9. "Momma's Boy"
10. "Attention Whore"
WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to but not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.
WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to but not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.
WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to but not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.
WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to but not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.
WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to but not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.
WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to but not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.
WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to but not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.
WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to but not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.
WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to but not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.
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