Funny Side of Life

[Sniper-T]

[Sniper-T]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .



While they were there, thewife passed away . The undertaker told the



husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or



we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 . The husband thought

about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back

home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to

have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial

here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied,

"Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days

later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

[IDTANDY]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa



The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'


I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'


The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'


Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'


The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'


Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.


Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'


Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.


Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.


The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.


'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'


The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.


Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.


The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.


But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.


'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.


'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss allover your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


Don't Mess with Old People!!

[Sniper-T]

[Grumpy Old Man]

I've been traveling outside in the cyberspace world of Prepping/Survival and I've learned:

1) The AK-15 is Better tha the AR-47

2) You're an idiot if you don't buy gold

3) You're an idiot if you do buy gold

4) The world is ending 12/21/2012 because the Mayans said so.

5) you need at least 5000 rounds of ammo for every gun you own

6) The Leatherman is the greatest thing since the wheel

7) The NWO is in place we just aren't aware of it.

8) The Illuminati put the Mayans up to it

9) Canada is a Mythical Realm where the fallen heroes go to feast and fish

10) If you don't have Mountain House foods to last a year, you aren't prepared

11) If you have Mountain House foods to last a year you still aren't prepared

12) You can make a kayak out of bamboo and duct tape

13) Unless your BOV is a (insert brand loyalty here) you will most likely not survive and if you do it will be a miracle!

14) You can't survive in CA,NY,CT,OR,ID,MT,MO,AL,MS,FL,TN.................. .you get the idea

15) The only state you can survive in is TN,CO,ID..........see 14 above

16) Glocks are best

17) 1911s are best

18) Bear Grylls is nothing short of a superhero

19) Bear Grylls is an idiot that drinks his own urine, preferably with a gin chaser

20) James Wesley, Rowles has the inside track on preparedness

21) James Wesley, Rowles is just out to sell books

22) If you don't have all the tactical gear currently available you are woefully unprepared

23) If a rifle isn't black, it can hardly be considered adequate

24) The Mayans are pissed that people are buying all the gold so they will destroy the world on 12/21/2012

As I run across more of these pearls of wisdom I will share them for our mutual benefit

As promised:

1) The Mayans were bad at math, the correct date is 11/6/2012 (This upsets my prep timeline)

2) George Takei is marching in a LGBT parade in New York to protest the BSA anti-gay policy. (Seriously this was on a main board in a prepping forum)

3) Silver is tanking today

4) Silver is not tanking today

5) Porn is the main reason the internet advances

6) The British Army is being issued a new SAW

7) It isn't really a new SAW-it's a dressed up 240B

8) Oh yes it is a new SAW

9)The speck bite is on in the Gulf off of the MS coast (thought Stig might want to know about that)

10) Planet X is going to align with something and we're all going to be in deep kimchee

11) Planet X is really Niburu and giants prophesied this event

12) Bath salts are turning otherwise normal homeless people into zombies

13) Krav Naga (?) is the ultimate martial art

14) There will not be Martial Law

15) There will, however, be Marshall Law (I think that's Jude Law's older brother)

16) The best plants to grow for chicken feed are corn, wheat and oats in that order! (I'll have to check with BP on that one)

17) Anyone that believes the "you-can-starve-to-death-eating -only-rabbits" myth is a fool

18) Anyone who eats only rabbits deserves to starve to death

19) Trayvon and Zimmerman, need I say more?

20) Raiders after SHTF, how will you recognize them? (Hint: they'll be playing in LA in silver and black uniforms)

21) FEMA camps..........draw your own conclusions (just commenting on the amount of bandwidth that topic takes up.)

22) And my personal favorite "What's wrong with Socialism"

Be careful outside the Colony folks! You can't tell what the hysteria of the day is elsewhere!

[Echo2]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Echo2]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[bacpacker]

Whoops

[Echo2]

The SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program)/Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.


Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed The Animals." They say that this is because the animals may grow dependent on handouts and not learn to take care of themselves.

[Grumpy Old Man]

An elderly gentleman was swinging on the front porch when his granddaughter asked him what he was doing.

"Nothing" he replied.

"what did you do yesterday?" she asked.

"Nothing" he replied.

"Why are you doing nothing again today?" she queried.

"Because I didn't get done yesterday"