Funny Side of Life

[Grumpy Old Man]

^ I think you'll find that getting old beats the hell out of the alternative!

[Taz Baby]

- - - Updated - - -

[Sniper-T]

A little hometown humour. See how many of these things make sense to any of ya - lol


Guide to
Winnipeg....


First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is WIN-A-PEG, not VIN-A-PEG
and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.

Winnipeg has its own version of traffic rules.
Never forget that downtown Winnipeg is composed in large part of one-way streets.

The only way to get out of the center of town is to turn around and start over
when you reach the river.

All directions start with, 'Go down Portage.'

Portage Avenue has no beginning and no end.

The 8:00 a.m. Rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30a.m.
The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, there's no chance you're from Winnipeg.
Yellow lights are for sissys.

Lagimodiere Blvd. can only be pronounced by a native
Winnipegger, so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their
heads to the right and stare at you.
(And let's not forget Noter Dayme! And of course, Portidge.)

Bingo, Bugs and Perogies are a way of life. Deal with it.

Construction on the Winnipeg streets in summer is a way of life and a permanent form
of entertainment. Especially those dopey-looking city workers holdingup signs in traffic
that say in big orange letters 'SLOW' ( I always want to yell, 'You don't really need to
advertise, buddy!'.)

Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by realizing, 'Oh, we're in Transcona!'

Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.



Where Mama Geese and their babies have ABSOLUTE Right of Way on ALL streets every Spring.



If someone actually has his turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was
made.

Buying a Winnipeg street map is a waste of money since the termination or
continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Works Department of the
City: e.g.: Salter, Isabel, Balmoral, Colony, Memorial, Osborne, Dunkirk. You've gone
two miles down the same road and the name changes seven times.

Asking directions will help you get acquainted with numerous happy-to-help residents. It may not be any help at
all for finding the address you seek.

Never honk your horn at another car in traffic.
The bumper sticker that reads, 'Keep honking, I'm reloading.' Is considered a fair
warning.

Exit and entry ramps on the Perimeter Hwy. are just the recommended way of
entering and exiting, feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.

All drivers frightened of heights, stay clear of Charleswood and its ten-foot ditches. Believe me
when I say you won't get out without a hundred-dollar towing bill.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your bluespruce.

Down South to you means Grand Forks.

Your July 1st picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 0 degrees 'a little chilly.' But it is still t-shirt weather.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your
Manitoba friends.

[Taz Baby]

[Echo2]

And that's how the fight got started....




The Mrs was standing in front of the mirror naked....

She says "My skin is wrinkling....my boobs are sagging....i got love handles.....and my hair is going gray.....why don't you be a sweetheart and say something that is good about me...."

I turn to her and say...."your eyesight is perfect...."

And that's how the fight got started

[Echo2]

[4suchatimeasthis]

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!

[Sniper-T]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around .

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.


The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'


The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'


She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'


Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.


The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....


Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.


'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.


'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.


The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.


The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.'


'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'


The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!

[Sniper-T]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

[4suchatimeasthis]