Funny Side of Life

[Sniper-T]

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone ☎ rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go . It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I
took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence ,when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"..

[Sniper-T]

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the Revenue Canada. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the line : "List all dependents"

I replied: 2 million Native Indians; 1 million crack heads;

7.3 million unemployed people , 100,000 people in prisons;

Half of Haiti; and 105 persons in the Federal Senate and 308 Members of Parliament.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.


I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

[Grumpy Old Man]

As a man was walking along the beach, he spied a bottle bobbing in the surf. He quickly retrieved the bottle and began to clean it up, when out popped a genie! The genie said, "I usually grant 3 wishes, but I've been bobbing around in that bottle so long I'm seasick. So you only get one wish so make it good."

The man thought and thought and finally aked the genie, " Well, I have to go to England next week, and I hate flying and I'm afraid of boats, so how about making me a bridge from America to England?"

The genie replied, "No that's too much! Try again!"

The man thought for awhile and finally asked, "Well, I've always wanted to understand women. Will you grant me that wish?"

Whereupon the genie replied, "You want that bridge to be two-lane or four-lane?"

[Evolver]

One day, this guy whoʹs been stranded all alone on a desert island for 10 years, is sitting on the
beach when suddenly, a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear emerges from the
surf. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, ʺHow long has it been since youʹve had a
cigarette?ʺ
“Ten years!ʺ he said. She unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve and pulls out a fresh
pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, ʺOh, thatʹs good!ʺ
Then the woman asks, ʺHow long has it been since youʹve had a drink?ʺ Trembling, the man
says, ʺTen long years!ʺ The woman unzips her waterproof pocket on her left sleeve, pulls out a
flask of fine French cognac and gives it to him. The man takes a long swig and says, ʺMan,
thatʹs sweet!ʺ
The woman then starts slowly unzipping the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively
and asks, ʺAnd how long has it been since youʹve played around?ʺ
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, ʺOh sweet mother of God! Donʹt tell me youʹve got
golf clubs in there”?!

[Evolver]

A man joined the army during WWII and was going to go to war. He was sent out to the front, but somehow or other they forgot to give him a gun. So he ran up to his commanding officer, begging for a weapon.

The commander handed him a broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'BANGITY-BANG!'"

"Er... okay." said the soldier. "But I don't have a bayonet!"

The commanding officer taped a straw to the end of the broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'STABITY-STAB!'"

"Er... okay..." said the soldier, and he went off into battle.

Well, what do you know, but he gets seperated from his platoon. He was about to call for help, when he sees a German soldier coming towards him. Not knowing what else to do, he points the broom at him and yells "BANGITY-BANG!"

The german soldier falls down dead.

So the recruit is very pleased with this development. More Nazis come towards him. "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Down they go!

Soon he has a whole regiment after him! "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Finally there is only one German soldier left standing. The recruit points his broom.

"Bang." he says, confidently.

Nothing happens. The German soldier starts walking towards him, muttering.

"Bangity-bang?"

Nothing. The German continues to advance.

"BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!"

The German soldier runs him flat into the ground, squishing him to death.

All the while muttering, in German "Tankity-tank-Tankity-tank..."

[Echo2]

A man joined the army during WWII and was going to go to war. He was sent out to the front, but somehow or other they forgot to give him a gun. So he ran up to his commanding officer, begging for a weapon.

The commander handed him a broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'BANGITY-BANG!'"

"Er... okay." said the soldier. "But I don't have a bayonet!"

The commanding officer taped a straw to the end of the broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'STABITY-STAB!'"

"Er... okay..." said the soldier, and he went off into battle.

Well, what do you know, but he gets seperated from his platoon. He was about to call for help, when he sees a German soldier coming towards him. Not knowing what else to do, he points the broom at him and yells "BANGITY-BANG!"

The german soldier falls down dead.

So the recruit is very pleased with this development. More Nazis come towards him. "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Down they go!

Soon he has a whole regiment after him! "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Finally there is only one German soldier left standing. The recruit points his broom.

"Bang." he says, confidently.

Nothing happens. The German soldier starts walking towards him, muttering.

"Bangity-bang?"

Nothing. The German continues to advance.

"BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!"

The German soldier runs him flat into the ground, squishing him to death.

All the while muttering, in German "Tankity-tank-Tankity-tank..."

Groan....

[Taz Baby]

[Echo2]

[Sniper-T]

[Sniper-T]