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BOOM!
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2014 Ram 3500 Longhorn Longbed Dually 4X4 with a Cummins 6.7 turbo diesel engine special ordered with 3.23 rear end and exhaust brake package. It has a custom matching cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and floor mats. Six cup holders, Bluetooth, navigation, XM and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins and custom mud flaps. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his macBook Air computer, connected it to his iphone, and surfed to a NASApage on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opened the digital photo in iPhoto and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he received an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accessed an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized Canon LaserJet printer, turned to the cowboy and said, "You have exactly
1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," said Bud.
He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on with amusement as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud said to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thought about it for a second and then said, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government", said Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .. Now give me back my dog."
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
A helpful guide from the Middle Ages to let you know when the church says it's OK to have sex.[IMG][/IMG]
My wife told me her daughters husband had her name tattooed across his chest, as forever proof of his love for her. She asked me if I would show my love for her in a gesture such as that. I told he I had already looked into it. I was going to get her name tattooed on my penis, but I had ran out of room after the second letter.
I ran into almost the same problem, but on the second last letter...luckily her name is Arrianna-Consuella-Samantha-Marianna-Corrina-TaliaOriginally Posted by Domeguy
My wife told me her daughters husband had her name tattooed across his chest, as forever proof of his love for her. She asked me if I would show my love for her in a gesture such as that. I told he I had already looked into it. I was going to get her name tattooed on my penis, but I had ran out of room after the second letter.
So it didn't look like her younger, sexier, drop dead gorgeous sister, Arrianna-Consuella-Samantha-Marianna-Corrina-Talya
*whew*
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
Hyphens included, I'm impressed. Lucky for you there was no misspelling...that would have been a 'large' undertaking to fix
Men are deep thinkers.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep
thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she
would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that
men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other
questions.
After I thought about that, I began to think about an age old question: Is
giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I came up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is
the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice
to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You
know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer and more deep thinking.
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window, stating the following:
HELP WANTED
Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be
bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say
the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him
into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared
at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign
says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded
to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted
over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up
on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign
also says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The
dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet
that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He
looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However,
I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign
and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal
Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you
have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly
and said, "Meow."
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
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