Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box
of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist
at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?
''Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy
replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my
brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said.
"We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play
tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
I'll 'like' and 'thank' Keep it up my twisted friend, keep it up!
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, a five-year-old boy
picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum and shatter
the peace on board the aircraft. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
From the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an
Air Force general walks slowly forward up the aisle. Stopping
the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-
spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest
whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms
down, and sits quietly as his mother fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers are relieved and grateful; they smile
and nod at the general with gestures of thanks as he slowly
makes his way back to his seat.
One of the cabin attendants approaches the general. "Excuse me,
sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words
you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and confides, "I showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained
that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door,
on any flight I choose."
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?”
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed
a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could
golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard
him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not
like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem
to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make
her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate,
shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever
measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his frigging wife."
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
When a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed
The girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
A reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.*
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.*
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.*
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"*
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast.
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day!
Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
Cat's are food... not friends!
If you're going to fight, then fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp into Noah's arc... and brother, it's starting to rain.
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