Twenty years ago this evening, I was wounded while performing my military duties in a combat zone. I never let it stop me, and after all of these years being in combat zones around the world, I find myself filled with mixed emotions about that day. This wasn't my first time in a combat zone,nor my first time being shot at, nor was it the first time Ive been wounded in one. But it was the first time that I honestly thought I wouldn't come home alive. This was the day I faced my own mortality and lived. Today is the day I relive, each and every day of my life. Every single skirmish, or battle since this one has been nothing, nothing compared to the mental and physical hell of this day.
Did I do everything I could have done, not only for myself, but for my friends who didn't make it? I would like to think so. I would like to think that my training was top notch, my reactions were on par with what was expected of me, and yet people still died. I carry this day with me unlike any others. This was the day that I remember being on top of my game, only to end up on the bottom of the pile. This is the day we fought a losing battle, and we knew we were losing. This is my own personal and private Vietnam. We went in, we did the job we was asked to do. We were outnumbered. We were outgunned and we barely made it out alive. Why did I make it and others didn't? Was there some great cosmic force that said, you will not die today, even though I had resigned myself to the fact I wouldn't be coming home? What was the greater purpose of me living and others better than me dying? Ive lived each and every day since this moment 20 years ago, teaching other warriors my life lessons of that day, hoping that each and every person Ive taught, of the thousands that Ive taught, ONE. . . just one, maybe took my lessons to heart. If my actions saved one warrior, it makes it worth it in the end. But this still doesn't stop the hurt.
I'm only putting this out there, so others here know what veterans like many of us go thru. Please do not reprint this. Do not forward this. Don't judge me, don't pity me. Every day veterans have these thoughts. I just felt the need to share amongst people I feel I could trust.
Stormfeather
ETA: for those that asked, Today is the 20th anniversary of Operation Gothic Serpent, also known to Army people as Day Of The Rangers, and to most as Black Hawk Down. I was in a Marine attachment whose story is not as well known, and due to operational security constraints, wont be as well known.
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